With Valentine’s Day around the corner, many of us find ourselves romanticizing love and relationships. It is perfectly normal and healthy to admire others, but Sis, you can be your own bae goals! This year my husband and I will celebrate 31 years of marriage. Throughout our three decades together, each of our vows has been greatly tested. We’ve experienced amazing highs and tumultuous lows. Through it all, we are still each other’s bae goals—not because we are perfect, but because we have learned ways to work on our marriage consistently. Here are a few of those ways…

Prioritize your relationship with yourself—it starts with you!
During my time as a stay-at-home mom, I fell into the pattern that many of us do, putting ourselves at the bottom of our priority list. Every day, I made sure everyone else had what they needed—the children were taken care of, my husband was made to feel like the king that he is. I thought I was doing right by putting everyone’s needs before my own. But did you know that the quality of our relationships with our spouses or significant others is a direct reflection of our relationship with ourselves?

We subconsciously teach others how to treat us based on the way we treat ourselves. I learned this lesson the hard way after years of working through feelings of resentment. I had to learn that putting myself first was the best possible thing I could do for my family. When I started putting me first, my husband looked at me differently. I could feel the change in our relationship. I was more playful and patient with my children. I was no longer operating from a place of burn out because I took time to pour into me. I was able to give my family the best of me instead of just giving them the rest of me.

Your relationship with yourself is the one you will be in the longest; cultivate it and tend to it. Give yourself the same grace you give to others. Knowing and applying this to your relationship will be a game changer for you and bae.

Lean into difficult conversations.
I remember when my husband had to live separately from me and the children for a job assignment. That was a trying time in our marriage and communication felt strained at times. I often dealt with this by keeping my feelings to myself because I did not have the tools to communicate with him about issues that we needed to address in our marriage. I eventually learned that not having the difficult conversations was the worst possible thing I could do.

By failing to communicate with my husband, I was bottling up all my feelings and not giving him an opportunity to meet my needs. Sis, do not avoid the difficult conversations because you are afraid or feel that it’s best not to say anything. Speaking up is crucial to the success of your relationship. Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes.

Dealing with unpleasant issues in relationships can bring varied emotions. As uncomfortable as it may be, conflict is a crucial component of a healthy, fruitful, and long-lasting connection. It’s an opportunity for both individuals to grow. While growth is not always comfortable, it is necessary to reach our highest potential, both individually and as a couple. Facing conflict head on in a relationship deepens and enhances the connection by providing an opportunity for you and bae to problem solve together. In hearing each other’s concerns and working through difficult situations, you learn about yourself and your partner.

When I learned to go to my husband with things that were bothering me, hearing his perspective on things changed the way that I viewed the situation. And each time I spoke up for myself, it was a healthy exercise in communication and conflict resolution for the both of us. The next time you need to have a difficult conversation, don’t shy away—lean in!

Always lead with love.
This is often easier said than done. Our emotions can get the best of us when we are angry, especially with the one we love the most. Saying something that you will regret later is never worth it, so I have learned to walk away. Stepping away to calm down when things get heated is one way to lead with love. It’s saying, “I choose love over words that may hurt you in this moment.”

Striving to lead with love in our daily interactions is one of the most beautiful and transformative gifts that we can give ourselves and our partner. In making this a habit, you will develop a level of self-awareness that will inspire you to treat your partner the way you wish to be treated. Remember, your relationship with yourself directly reflects the quality of your relationship with others. Leading with love will help you embody the characteristics of your ideal partner, which will cause bae to embody these characteristics as well.

You are a queen. You are powerful. You are capable. Most importantly, you are worthy of the love that your heart and soul long for. And you know what, Sis? You have the power to cultivate your dream relationship. There is no need to look at another couple and feel discouraged because you can do it too! I hope that you feel inspired to be the change you wish to see in your relationship. Believe in yourself and put in the work because you deserve it!

Have you already implemented some of these tips? Do you have helpful tips of your own that have positively impacted your relationship?