For the past 7 years, May has been a month plagued with heartache, uneasiness, unsettledness, and regret.
- I was married in May.
- My firstborn son passed away in my arms in May.
- My husband passed away unexpectedly in May—almost exactly four years after my son.
- Mother’s Day is in May.
Without question, the month of May had become bittersweet, filled with a whirlwind of emotions. But I found myself ready to challenge the heaviness and grief head on. And so it was that on May 11—a few weeks after the seventh anniversary of our firstborn’s death, a few weeks prior to the third anniversary of my husband’s death, and the same week as my wedding anniversary—I and my son found ourselves in the country of my late husband’s birth.
Surrounded by my husband’s family, many of whom do not speak English, I learned the language of love. They spoke to me with brightly beaming eyes and plates overflowing with fish, tamales, rice and peas. They filled my belly with laughter and my hips with songs to which I danced until I became spent from joy. They loved my baby, their descendant, the physical manifestation of me and my husband’s love. They spread kindness into my broken places.
I found healing and peace there. Without question, I felt my husband’s spirit watching over us as we walked the streets of his ancestors. The family lives near the water. As I stood near the rivers flowing and twinkling in the sunlight, I realized that this trip was just what I needed: an intimate and delicate cleansing for my mind, spirit, and soul.
In life, there is an expectation that we work through pain. That we must work as quickly as we can to shake off the weight of suffering, so we can simply return to the unnecessary urgency of everyday living. I found myself exhausted and tired and sad; I did not want to continue living like this anymore. I just needed to get away from everyday living for a while. I needed time for myself.
To rest and reset.
To find myself again.
To love on myself.
To feel the sun beaming on my skin as the sweat dripped off my body—a baptism, a renewal of Ashley.
To enter into a new beginning.
When I entered 2023, I promised myself that this would be a year of saying “yes” to me. I would say “yes,” even if it hurt or was uncomfortable or scary. I had been suffocating, and I wanted to free myself from the cage that I allowed myself to be stuffed into. I promised myself that I would no longer be defined by my circumstances. I promised to no longer treat myself as a victim buckling under the oppression of negative thinking and despair. I had to teach myself that I was more than a widow. More than a loss mama. More than a mother to a son who has complex medical needs.
I am bright and smart and loving and kind. I am a warrior whose invisible scars have shaped me—molded me. My wounds and my scars have taught me how to truly love and care for others. I have survived battles that would have brought others to their knees. And yet, here I still stand, filled with hope and wonder and excitement for the future.
I am unsure of where this next season of life will take me, but I am ready and open to all possibilities. I’m willing to explore, to take unknown paths to unknown places. I promised myself that I will live life on my own terms and that I will walk in my authentic truth. I will continue to slay my demons while walking in the light. I will reclaim May as my month of celebration and love and fearlessness.
May: the month of Ashley.
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Sometimes you have to get away. Solitude is self care.
Yes, it is…It just took me awhile to learn that. Thank you so much for reading!
Resting and recharging is a necessity and not selfish.
I come from a long time of women who always put others’ needs before their own. It has taken me awhile (and I am still actively learning it) to learn that caring for myself is not selfish and is very much needed. Thank you for reading.
Self care is a much needed right. You took care of yourself so you can help others take care of themselves.
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Praying for the continual healing of your mind, body and spirit.
Thank you!
Very inspiring and uplifting. Many couldn’t have survived this. Continue to slay your demons Ashley and walk in light.
Thank you!
That was so beautifully written. I am so glad that I had the opportunity to read this piece. I know it was about your journey, however it speaks to others as well.
Thank you! I share my story in hopes that it can help someone else in their healing journey.
Praise God for your healing and for you to continuously sharing your life’s journey. You are living an abundant life from the spirit; continue to walk and live by the spirit
Thanks, Sis!
Absolutely love this for you! Thanks for such a vulnerable piece.
Thank you for taking the time to read my article.
Wow just wow! I am so excited for you and these next chapters and challenges you will embark to strengthen your self! God chose you! Your voice and strength is an inspiration to mothers, women, and parents and future parents! He gives the toughest battles to his STRONGEST WARRIORS! Love you girl! You courage is encouraging me!
Thank you, Imani! I love you, too!
may has not been a good month for me either, a lot of death in my family in may.. i left my husband in may.. a lot of times i have not looked forward to this month.. but i have got over it as the years pass..
Hi Ms. Bonnie! I believe that time, healing and reflection makes it so that we can make it through those hard months. Praying for your healing, strength and peace on your own healing journey.
You are truly a warrior Queen! God bless you and your son🙏🏽❤️
Thank you so much!
That was a beautiful description of how you and your son were embraced and loved on by family. A lot of love and healing. Thank you for sharing your story and how you have fought through the tough times to find your joy! Reading what you wrote was inspirational and hopeful to the personal healing journey I am on as well. I pray that the Lord continues to strengthen you through the love and compassion that you display.
Hey Alana! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my article. I pray you well on your own healing journey. Blessings!
“I have survived battles that would have brought others to their knees. And yet, here I still stand, filled with hope and wonder and excitement for the future.”
Ashley I felt that. This was great. I’m so excited to see what you and baby boy’s future holds. Keep pushing you are amazing.
Thank you so much, Jameeka. I pray you and your beautiful family are well!
As a fellow Ashley (hey girl, hey!) who happens to be born in the month of May, I love this. I understand this myself, the need to reimagine & find personal joy after so much loss; especially in a particular month or season. My month is December. For whatever reason, several family members have used this month as the best time to transition into their next life. My sister included, who passed 2 days after Christmas a few years ago. And she knew that Christmas is my favorite season (besides my birthday😁). I believe she did it so I’d never forget her.
May is full of bright colors and blooming flowers. The month lends itself to beginning anew in gentle, warm celebration.
Cheers to your month of Ashley!🥂
Hey Ashley! Hey Girl! Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry about your family transitioning. I pray that you are able to find peace and strength and healing during the month of December.
Beautiful story of your life, so much encouragement comes from it. I am encouraged even the more from your story. Thank you sis for sharing. My heart is full hearing the display of God’s love and care for us. God will continue to use you in imaginable ways. ❤️
Hi Ms. Martha! Thank you so much for reading!
All I can Say is But God Live Life Out Loud
Beautiful Ashley! So very proud of you..your journey is just beginning..Love you
Proud of you sis! Rediscovering life is hard (especially when carrying such deep grief), but it’s a brave and worthwhile journey. You are not alone!
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your story. It gives hope to other’s that have suffered losses. God Bless you!
This….THIS; is what the it means to bear one’s Soul and exercise Vulnerability, to the very core of our Human Experience. Thank you for sharing your story of loss, courage, redemption, and renewal with us, and I feel I’m a better Man for having read this 💯.
Continue to spread your arms like the wings of an eagle. And SOAR!!!
Absolutely inspiring. Your strength is amazing.
What an inspiring article. You have illustrated what it takes to find resilience in spite of so much trauma. Best wishes for all your efforts for the young people and their parents who experience the NICU.