As Valentine’s Day approaches, the focus is on love, and for single ladies like myself, self-love. Self-love is essential in a world that often tells Black women to be strong and resilient, but I want to talk about something that needs to be spoken about more: self-compassion. It is crucial to understand the distinction between the two. For many of us, the journey to self-compassion has been transformative, allowing us to fully embrace self-love in its purest form.

Growing up as Black girl—and into a woman, I learned that strength and resilience were not optional but essential characteristics. I was told to always love myself, and I wholeheartedly embraced this notion. However, it always seemed to mean projecting an image of unwavering confidence and positivity, even when facing adversity or heartache. Back then, my understanding of self-love needed to be more nuanced and accurate.

As a younger woman in pursuit of self-love after several years of trauma, I often denied my vulnerabilities because I thought that acknowledging them would be a sign of weakness. I believed that I should always be strong, independent, and self-reliant. Of course, I knew that I loved myself, but the pressure to prove it to myself was immense, and that took a toll on my mental and emotional well-being.

During one of my most challenging times, I stumbled upon a book about self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. This concept of self-compassion, developed by Dr. Kristin Neff, involves treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer to a dear friend in times of suffering. It is about recognizing our shared humanity, acknowledging our flaws, and practicing mindfulness in the face of life’s trials.

Self-love and self-compassion are intricately connected, but they are not the same. Self-love is about valuing and appreciating ourselves, while self-compassion is about responding to our suffering or setbacks with the same kindness and care we would offer others.

So, how did I embrace self-compassion? Here are some critical aspects that have profoundly impacted my own journey:

1. Self-Kindness: Instead of being my worst critic, I learned to be gentle and kind with myself. I began to replace self-sabotage with self-encouragement, especially during moments of struggle.
2. Common Humanity: Recognizing that suffering is a part of the human experience made me feel less isolated. I realized that my challenges were not unique and that I wasn’t alone in my journey.
3. Mindfulness: I started practicing mindfulness, which allowed me to have time with my thoughts and emotions without judgment. This awareness fostered emotional balance and self-acceptance.

Embracing self-compassion was a turning point in my life. It allowed me to acknowledge and embrace my vulnerabilities as a natural part of being human. Instead of suppressing my pain or pretending it didn’t exist, I learned to lean into it and offer myself the comfort and understanding I deserved.

Self-compassion also changed the way I approach my relationships. As I became more authentic and understanding and let go of unrealistic expectations, my connections with loved ones deepened.

As Black women, we carry the weight of history, resilience, and strength on our shoulders. While these qualities are remarkable, it’s essential to remember that we are also human. Self-compassion is not a sign of weakness; it’s a powerful tool for healing and growth. We can use it to embrace our vulnerabilities, offer ourselves the kindness we deserve, and empower ourselves to navigate life’s challenges.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, let us remember that self-compassion is the foundation of self-love. It is a vital practice that propels us toward grace and authenticity, and self-awareness is the first step toward change.

Take some time and evaluate your relationship with yourself. Are you overly critical? Do you treat yourself with the same kindness you offer to others? How will you practice self-compassion today?