I am in a season of decluttering, gifting away what I hope can be treasure for someone else. One day while I was decluttering, I came across a journal I wrote about vulnerability. I wrote a prayer asking God to keep me from ever feeling so broken and desperate to be heard that I vent out my vulnerability in vain. I spoke with a girlfriend one day and shared how important it is to be poured into so we can pour from an overflow. When we do not get poured into as much as we pour out, we face burnout, frustration, and end up pouring out poison. When I heard myself say that, I was like wow.  

My life has come with many beautiful moments as well broken moments.  The challenges I have faced left me in a season of burnout, bitterness, and mild resentment. There were certain transitions and levels of grief that triggered feelings of brokenness I felt during my teen years. What I discovered is going to help somebody. 

While I did have God and a therapist to bounce my thoughts off of, my longing for the community of immediate family is what was missing. I found myself so hurt, I didn’t realize I was venting my vulnerabilities by oversharing. This oversharing was painful and, depending on the level of pain, it would come out in the form of rage and as a friend put it, “it felt like wrath.” This is what I call pouring poison. My soul was in a deficit, and I needed to be refilled. This time in a whole new level. God has always been by my side. Even in the midst of that storm, the spirit of God was present. It wouldn’t be long before my spirit would feel God’s conviction to bring to my awareness what was happening. I need you to pause and go deeper with me Estacy, he said. I need you to exercise the power of “Shut Up Grace.”  

“Shut Up Grace.” It’s a saying I adopted from one of my girlfriends.  

Going deeper with God required more praying, more fasting and trusting that God would heal the broken areas to the point of restoration. I’m not saying that it is wrong to share how you feel. What is important to note, though, is that not every person you call a friend is equipped with the capacity, oil, and anointing to handle you in the good and the bad. I didn’t realize that until later. I found as I was going through the challenges, I was not pouring into myself consistently as I should have. I naturally care about others and their wellbeing and do what I can to ensure they are taken care of. But what I noticed was that I would pour into them (people pleasing) while neglecting myself. That my dear, is pouring poison unto thyself.  

The other awakening I had was that some of what I am feeling is familiar and mimicking experiences I had as a teenager. I would do, do, and do and felt like I didn’t deserve to be poured back into. There were situations that I needed to share but didn’t feel the environment was conducive to sharing.   

I am glad that throughout all this, I didn’t let go of the hem of God’s garment. I did find myself feeling defeated in certain instances and allowed those moments to impact my faith and prayer life. Your girl was holding on by the thread of God’s garment, but I didn’t let go. I understood that to heal and move forward, I needed GOD. I knew from previous challenges that God will always have my back, and everything would work out for my good. I had to repent and forgive myself for what I didn’t know. I had to learn again the importance of being poured into and allow that experience to be by acknowledging the deficit so I can receive the deposit. I learned that while you may yearn for certain family members to be available to you, be not blind to the ones who are showing up unconditionally. Lastly, accept the truth that everyone is not equipped.  

Reader, know that God has your back. Ask God to grace you with a circle, community, and tribe that has the capacity, oil, and anointing to pour back into you what you pour out. Pour love, power, and prayer.