I have done a hard thing—or at least what I perceived to be impossible: leaving my babies at home to selfishly embark on a solo trip. A trip solely dedicated to healing a broken heart. My life partner of 14 years and I will be going our separate ways. I can’t breathe or see a clear path to happiness.

Yesterday, I went to a psychic energy reader in search for guidance. I had free time due to a hair appointment scheduling mix-up. My mind and heart were heavy and the tears would not stop; the levees responsible for keeping my life intact had been compromised. My mind keeps going to the Spike Lee documentary, When The Levees Came Down about Hurricane Katrina. 

My tears did not cleanse my soul and I felt worthless. I found myself at the local mystic shop where an energy reader was performing chakra readings and energy cleansing. I was born into a devout Methodist family and energy reading or anything else “witchy” were absolutely forbidden. Yet, I needed guidance or confirmation that I did not waste 14 years of my life. I walked into a cozy room with dim lighting and sat down at her table. 

The healer felt the toxicity of my broken relationship. The tears continued to fall as this healer confirmed what I already knew: It was over. My energy was put into a rose revealing the roots were twisted, shallow, dehydrated and in desperate need of water. My energy showed that it was stuck in the past and needed to wake up and live in the present to begin my life of abundance. The storm would pass, and I would not only live but would thrive. 

I am scared to do life without my life partner, my person. My ocean trip was planned with the intention of healing. Pismo Beach will always have a special place in my heart. My life partner told me he was moving out as I sat in my rental car near the beach. I willed myself out of my vehicle and walked to the beach shore. It was an overcast and warm day; the beach was not too busy. The tears came down and the wind blew my hair in my face. I walked toward the waves and was ready to release my troubles in the water. The knot in my stomach and ball of anxiety felt suffocating. The waves were moving farther away from me, and it was strange. Finally, the waves hit my feet rising to my legs. I was surprised; the water was warm and calming.   

I repeated a mantra – what is not meant for me I will let it go away and what is meant for me I will accept. I accepted all the good and positivity. I thought about my twisted roots and prayed that they would become nourished. 

I want to bloom again. I have pruned off the dead petals and will surround myself with people, art, projects, and work aligned with my values. The universe has pushed me to an alternate life path. I will practice self-compassion in this season of transition. I have boundaries to protect my weary soul. I will only be in fellowship with people who remind me that I am worthy and deserve love, rest, ease, and abundance. 

I reject the strong Black woman narrative. I am a woman simultaneously going through heartbreak and healing. My village is small – and MIGHTY – filled with love from other women of color from marginalized communities. These women understand my intersectionality and how divorce as a Black woman and mother impacts my healing. My fears were validated, and love has been poured into me. 

These beautiful women remind me all the time that I will get through the heartbreak and will come out a better version of me. I appreciate that there is no talk of being a strong Black woman. I deserve to grieve, cry, and feel all the “feels” for the end of a relationship that was supposed to be my forever happily ever after. 

The iconic Black poet Maya Angelou wrote the poem “Phenomenal Woman” celebrating the utter dopeness of Black woman and I will meditate on her words. I am phenomenal and will rise like a budding flower facing the sun. The energy healer told me bright energy was behind me. I only need to reject any toxicity and walk into this beautiful light. 

I move forward and choose happiness and accept all the love, positive vibes, and prayers. I will practice gratitude, mindfulness, joyful movement, and creative expression. I will continue to receive the support from my therapist, psych, medication, and friends. 

Brene Brown eloquently wrote that boundaries were a gift.  I have unapologetically embraced this by gifting myself peace and the space for healing. My rose is growing, blooming, and will thrive! I accept all the good things!   

This is my desire for all Black women: to be nourished from love and affirmation. To growing deep, healthy roots. To accepting all the abundance that our ancestors paid the cost for. Rest and joy are our birthright. Society may discount us, but we CANNOT discount ourselves.