I’ve always desired a circle of girlfriends that loved, challenged, supported, and laughed with me. You know—that Joan and Toni, Pam and Gina, Khadijah James and Maxine Shaw kind of friendship. Many form that bond with sisters, neighbors, cousins, and school friends at younger ages and into their adolescence. Well, that’s not my story.
Growing up, I had three older half-sisters who lived across the country, each of them more than a decade older than me. The kids my age in my neighborhood were boys, and they were rough and tumble. Even my first cousins are closer in age to my mom than me. And making friends at school? Well, let’s get into that.
In junior high, I tried to fit in with the popular girls. I pretended to be richer than I really was, lied about fake boyfriends, and gossiped. Essentially, everything that prevents you from making real girlfriends. And we all know when you’re faking being someone you’re not, you usually talk even more to prove it. In hindsight, I was probably obnoxious.
By the time I began high school, I was confident I’d be popular! It didn’t happen. Don’t get me wrong, high school was great. I was on the step team, editor-in-chief of the newspaper, active at church, and more. All of this should have led to having great self-esteem, but it didn’t. I was trying to fit in everywhere, and I was a different person in each setting, pretending to be who I thought people wanted me to be. I made and kept friends—some of whom are still my friends even in adulthood, but for the most part, I didn’t fit in with any group. I still felt like an outsider.
Senior year, I was accepted to Florida A&M University. A Texas girl headed off to Florida where no one knew me. I could be anyone I wanted. Plus, college is where you meet your forever friends, your future bridesmaids. By the time I entered college, I should have figured out pretending to be someone else doesn’t work, but I hadn’t quite learned that lesson yet. Here I was at FAMU attempting to make friends and failing. But, why? I mean, I’m fun. I’m smart. I’m going to be successful. Why wouldn’t everyone want to be friends with me? Well, at almost 40, I can answer young Dana’s question: I was busy looking at everyone around me and imitating them. Just like high school, I made friends, but I didn’t have a core group that I fit in with.
After college, I moved back to Dallas. Soon after, I was introduced to Lauren, a woman my age who had just graduated from Howard University. Two recent HBCU grads—we were sure to hit it off, right? Now, if the pattern of my attempts to create friendships persisted, you’re likely thinking Lauren was another person who I didn’t click with despite fake efforts. Well, thankfully, this is where my story changes!
Lauren was fun, outgoing, and unapologetic. One night we were out, and I was ready to go. She asked me if I was going to go home, and I said, “No, girl, I’m having fun!”
Lauren looked at me, “Girl, you are not having fun! You can go home! I’ll call you tomorrow. We can go to brunch.” So, I did what I always wanted to do around 11:30 at a club: I left. I can’t explain it, but something through my friendship with Lauren matured me. Maybe it was divine timing. Maybe it was her calling out my obvious “fakery.” Maybe I was just tired of not being me.
At 22, the timing and friendship with Lauren ended up being one of my life’s greatest blessings.
Lauren introduced me to Shelby, another Howard graduate. Shelby and I became immediate best friends. Yes, it happened, I finally got a best friend who loved, challenged, supported, and laughed with me. Heck, she even traveled, studied, read books, and ate at overpriced restaurants with me. She was my Toni. My Gina. My Maxine Shaw.
Shelby introduced me to Yuri, a Tennessee State University grad who understood style like no one I had ever met. Even though we are complete style opposites, she’s become my style mentor and a sister-friend.
At 22, my life changed. Not because of Lauren, Shelby, or Yuri, but because I became confident and able to be unapologetically Dana. I slowly learned that I am funny, conservative, talkative, private, stylish, adventurous, laid back, Christian, a home body, and a little bougie—with a slightly naughty sense of humor! Oddly enough, I even became closer to some of my high school friends as an adult. Over time, as the real, authentic Dana emerged, they were able to understand who I was and love and accept every part of me that I once thought should be masked.
It took almost two decades to learn that I was not meant to fit in or be part of any group. Being uniquely Dana is who God called me to be. And I love this girl better than anyone I ever pretended to be. I have the bonus of my sister-friends Lauren, Shelby, Yuri, Launa, Ashley, Jasmine, Tiffany, Brandy and more. But, Dana? I love this girl and I’m blessed I found her.
Leave a Comment
Alisha JP says
That was so beautiful! So many of us fall into that trap of people pleasing and shape shifting. It’s both a superpower during a crisis and an abyss that deepens the longer we stay there. I love that you found yourself, and became a better partner in relationships.
Dana Vaughn @TheDanaVaughn says
So eloquently stated, “ It’s both a superpower during a crisis and an abyss that deepens the longer we stay there.”
Thank you for your kind words.
Patrica McKenzie says
Very well stated.
Shamaine says
Thank you Dana for sharing your experience. As I was reading I saw myself.
Dana Vaughn @TheDanaVaughn says
Thank you!
Tiffany Mayfield says
This is a great read and truly great subject matter! I look forward to read more.
Dana Vaughn @TheDanaVaughn says
Thank you!
Stacey Humes says
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽💗💗
Dana Vaughn @TheDanaVaughn says
Thank you!
Deliah says
Powerful. We are not meant to fit in. We are meant to stand out. Blessings my sister
Dana Vaughn @TheDanaVaughn says
Thank you!
Brenna Fields Hayes says
I can really relate to your statement regarding how long it took for you to understand that you weren’t meant to fit in. I was well into my 40s (closer to 50) when I understood that fact! It was really freeing! 🙂
Thanks for sharing such a great post!
Dana Vaughn @TheDanaVaughn says
Thank you!
RhondaY says
Like you, Brenna… I am learning “later in life” to be OK with being me. I’m a work-in-progress, but I look forward to relishing in being me!
Brandy says
What an incredible and insightful story. Young Dana sounds like so many of us. Thank you for sharing your journey as an inspiration to all to be our authentic selves. The real Dana is an amazing person that I am grateful to call friend.
Dana Vaughn @TheDanaVaughn says
Thanks Brandy!!
Francine says
Yes to the process. Loving ourselves is appreciating the gift God has given to the world through our unique personalities.
Dana Vaughn @TheDanaVaughn says
Yes!! Love this! Thank you!
Juana Jordan says
I love your story and so grateful you shared it and stepped into your authentic self that made it possible for you to build those beautiful lasting friendships.
I am the campus pastor and executive director at the FAMU Wesley Foundation and would love for you to share your story with my students because they are struggling to socialize and make friends. Your story could make a difference.
Dana Vaughn says
Thank you so much! Please feel free to connect with me through DM on my Instagram @TheDanaVaughn
Jacqueline A (Jacki) King says
Dana I understand because I could easily be and have been you. I thank God I found Jacki. I like her so much more at 74 than I ever did at 13 through 50. Your story could easily be my story. Thanks for sharing our story. I even like the Jacki I have blossomed into!
Dana Vaughn @TheDanaVaughn says
Thank you!
Jasmine says
Thank you for sharing your story, Dana. I identify with young Dana so much! I think a lot of women spent our childhoods trying to figure out where we belong. I’m so glad young Dana has found her authentic and genuine self—a Dana I’ve known and loved for years. And the woman I’m so so glad is my sister-friend!
Dana Vaughn @TheDanaVaughn says
Thank you Jasmine!
P. J. says
Great story! Glad you found your tribe. We all need one.
Stephania Biddings says
This is true for oh so many young ladies! We are all (most of us) mostly playing a role or character to match the narrative in our head. Years later, at the reunion, we learn we should have just been ourselves. 😉
GWENDEE says
It is a true blessing when we come into and learn to love ourselves. Then we are truly able to become a friend. This is a wonderful tale of your journey. Thank you.
Lauren says
What an authentic, self-reflective and powerful story about growth, maturity and above all, sisterhood. I am beyond honored to walk this journey called life with you. Our friendship timing was divine- we started growing up together starting at 22 and our growth as women still continues on. This article was a testament to our sisterhood and I love you deeply. Thank you for allowing me to be apart of your journey, sister!
Sandi Hoggatt says
Lady Dana…this is by far one of the most epic of reads…I am smitten by your intentionality of transparency…This is definitely a story I’ll share with My Girls…as well as my students..How absolutely fantastic…You are by far amaaaazingly adorable…Congratulations on finding YOU…
Adorable…Inspiring…Just all-around unique… : )
Kaye Barnwell says
Thank you for being so transparent, Dana! What a great read! Some of us find our way to true friendship in other seasons of life and nonetheless it’s all a beautiful journey. #grateful #foreverfriends #ilovemyself
Cherice Jackson says
Beautiful article!
Patrica McKenzie says
Dana, thank you sharing your journey. It is, unfortunately, a story that I resonate with and have seen repeated in the lives of many family members and friends. I realize that there are some things that people assume are innate to living; moral compass, great fashion sense, rhythm in black women (:, parenting skills, and how to be your authentic self. What a misnomer!
Education, training, and experience are needed in these key pieces of life. Otherwise, we flounder, sometimes indefinitely, most times, needlessly.
Your words are a spark to a flame that I pray moves and touches those who need it in the right ways to heed it. I have forwarded it to my amazing daughters as a love letter. I challenge them to rise above this curse of generations and overcome through the power of The Lord all fear, feelings of isolation, inadequacy, rejection, dejection, imposter syndrome, and all that other ish! Be who you are women of God! Like Grannie always said, eat the meat and spit out the bones! What is for you is for you. The key is knowing who YOU really are AND being okay with YOU!
Now you know the problem. Go defeat, fight, WIN! …and call me later, I enjoy our visits. ~ Love me, and Edna Mode
*PS: Thanks again, Dana