I was 22 years old when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I prayed for a son and God answered me. I decided to name him Jacy. My mother had birthed six children of her own, all natural with exception of one C-section. She boasted how she never needed an epidural for the pain and I was determined to do the same.
As I grew from 140 pounds to 200 pounds across the nine months, my plan never changed. When I reached 40 weeks, Jacy still hadn’t arrived. My OBGYN recommended we set a date to be induced. I trusted her expertise. She was the doctor. I was just a first-time mom. I checked into the hospital on January 24, 2015 at 3 P.M. l didn’t know what induction would be like or that a yellow rod the size of a boot horn would be used to manually break my water. It was an uncomfortable experience, but I told myself that it was the warm up before contractions. Except the contractions didn’t come rapidly as I laid on my back in the hospital bed for hours on end. The pain started to creep in and the nurses recommended medication that I could receive through the IV. I agreed. Afterall, it wasn’t an epidural. As time went on, the pain from the contractions was more bearable, but I was only three centimeters dilated. My OBGYN came into the room and said my body had become too fatigued and I needed an epidural to move my labor forward. I trusted her expertise. She was the doctor. I was just a first time mom. I remember falling asleep after the anesthesiologist left the room. Nurses kept coming in to monitor the contractions and soon it was time to push. I couldn’t feel anything from the waist down.
“Push, push harder,” they said. The sweetest sound entered the room on January 25, 2015 at 4 P.M. I heard my creation. My baby. My son. My 7 pound Jacy. I thought the hard part was over. I was wrong. I asked my OBGYN if I tore during the delivery and I’ll never forget her words. “You didn’t tear, but I did have to cut you. The baby’s heart rate started to drop during the delivery and I had to give you an episiotomy. Don’t worry. You just have a few stitches and you’ll heal in no time.”
There was much to worry about. Every trip to the bathroom was excruciating. I had anxiety that my stitches would rip and I’d wake up in a puddle of my own blood. The cans of Dermoplast, Peri Bottles, and pain pills were daily reminders to myself to never let this happen again. I was a first time mother, but I still had a voice. A voice that I allowed to be silent in the face of those who I deemed more knowledgeable than me.
I decided to exercise my voice when I was blessed to have a second child in January 2022. I looked for a birth center instead of a hospital. I found a midwife instead of an OBGYN. I got a pelvic floor therapist to help prepare my body for delivery. I hired a doula to teach me how to breathe and advocate for my birth plan. I went into labor January 1, 2022 at 11:50 p.m. After arriving at the birth center, I was free to move—to stand, to sit, to squat, to rest in a tub of water. I breathed through each contraction and rested in between. I could drink water. I could eat. I listened to music and kept the lights dim. My second son Atlas entered the world less than four hours later at 3:30 a.m. January 2, 2022. He was 9 pounds. This time there was no tear. No episiotomy. By not silencing my voice, Atlas and I were both healthy, intact, and able to begin a new life together with his big brother Jacy.
I may not be my mother. I may not be an OBGYN. But I am Jacy and Atlas’s mother. I know now my voice is worthy of being heard, no matter who the expert is.
When and how have you listened to your voice?
Leave a Comment
Fonda Neal says
Absolutely beautiful story!
Life Coach Francine says
Great advice.
Karin Booker Dancy says
I’m literally giving you a standing ovation and beaming after reading your post. Really trusting and listening to our own voices is beyond important. Good for you AND for your children, sis. High-fiving and hugging you with appreciation for sharing this with us, xoxo
Bria Johnson says
I appreciate hearing your experience, thank you for being brave then and even braver now. Your little ones are blessed to have you!
Honey Bee says
We need more authentic storytelling that empowers women to listen to their voice!
Absolutely love!
🐝🍯
Star Williams says
First in for most thanks for sharing this not enough Moms grandmothers women in general talk about the experience they have with birth I’ve had some trying experiences myself.Aside from that I don’t really know if at my tender age (Lol)when have I? listening to my own voice is something I battle with constantly I feel that I compromise my decisions based on circumstances and not convenience certain things I know for me it’s best I don’t because I’ve known to be impulsive but as for my children and there safety I’m not willing to jeopardize my ethics have made a big way of how I respond and knowing I’m not always sound as I get older I think ok ( overthink) everything before because I know I’m impulsive and my decisions may be a quick fix for displeasure at the time.
Carriece Jefferson says
Beautiful story. It reminded me of when I was pregnant with my son over three years ago. They were giving me so much medication and I felt my body acting strange. One day, I had enough. I was eating healthy, exercising, and had no sickness during the pregnancy. When I told them that I refuse to take any more medicine, I was admitted for a week. Good thing I was because my blood levels were the EXACT opposite of what the machine was reading. My baby didn’t move for days, but I knew he was still alive. If I didn’t use my voice, we could’ve been in a coma state. I’m so glad you spoke up.