I was lying in my bed, head on my pillow, starring at the ceiling while replaying a conversation in my mind. I was thinking about what I said—and didn’t say—to an old friend who’d hurt me. I wanted to lash out and say everything that popped into my head, but instead I said, “I forgive you.” I wanted to sit in my anger, but truth is I can only stay mad for a day or so. I can’t carry the mad with me for long. Also, I have been the person who caused harm and needed to ask for forgiveness, and I have been humbled by the love and grace offered to me when I’ve made a mistake.

I am fascinated by forgiveness and extending grace. This doesn’t mean you now welcome people into your life to disrespect you or that you allow harmful relationships to remain in your life, but it does mean you choose to let the hurt go. Sometimes that process is swift and sometimes the hurt melts away over time. To me forgiveness feels a lot like letting go.

I remember when I lived in my apartment in Atlanta. I was going through a lot of heartache, and I was moving. So, I decided it was time to clear out my apartment. That apartment had so much stuff in it. I searched my closets and began sorting through things I no longer needed. With each bag of trash I filled and thew away, I felt myself getting a little lighter. Having less stuff somehow helped me to feel lighter on the inside too.

Anger and unforgiveness is the stuff that keeps us bound, unable to release the pain. It can be all-consuming. Even when we were wronged and the other person was harmful, we should still let the pain go. Pain that is left unattended turns into anger, and anger turns into rage. While it’s okay to feel those emotions and be angry, it’s not okay to stay angry.

I will never forget the moment I went to a counseling session with my mom. I was ready to express to my therapist all the ways I was mad at my mother and how she’d made me feel. I spoke my piece about what bothered me, and my mom said, “I never knew you felt that way, please forgive me.” I felt that anger melt away. There was no point in being upset anymore. There is so much freedom in releasing yourself from old hurt.

Pride is a great hinderance to personal freedom. It fills the chambers of our hearts and makes it nearly impossible for love to flow through and melt all the hurt and unforgiveness that have built a fortress there. But I have seen how transformative love can renew a broken and hardened heart. Love can soften us in ways we never thought possible.

I think this is where my faith sustains me and challenges me most. I have learned that it takes much humility to serve others and forgive, and I want to honor God with my life and my character. It’s not always easy, but it does push me to be quick to ask for forgiveness and to let go of hurt and pain. I am always reminded by 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

To keep no record of wrongs? To remember the action of a person but to let the sting of the offense melt away? It takes a lot of emotional maturity to get there, and I am yet a work in progress. But I think of the ways I have been loved—well loved, and that makes the process of forgiving others a lot easier because I have also been forgiven at times when I didn’t deserve it.

Sis, maybe it’s time to take inventory of your heart and release the pain, the hurt, and the unforgiveness. If you have a note pad, write down who offended you and why you are going to choose to let the offense go. (Cue the Frozen movie hit song!)

Be free sis. I want this for you and for me.

How can you take the first step toward letting it go?