Deep breaths. I’m taking a lot of them lately. I’m taking some now as I type this.
Change is constant. Sounds obvious, but the statement is true, nonetheless. And as a schooled Mathematician and educator, I teach students to embrace change in the form of variables and other mathematical concepts. I teach students to become comfortable with the knowns and unknowns of life, and embrace what is constant and what is variable as we endeavor to problem solve and make sense of the world we live in.
However, our human existence cannot be adequately expressed in a finite equation. As we all know, life gets complicated, and change—although constant—can be painfully uncomfortable.
I recently came home from an extended trip that allowed me to spend time with some family that live about four states away from me. I didn’t realize how much I needed the trip until I returned home to North Carolina and noticed that my house looked different. The colors on my decorative pillows seemed brighter. My big monstera plants looked happier as their green slit leaves welcomed the bright sun that shone through the window. I enjoyed my trip, and I was glad to be home. I knew I needed that reprieve—I just don’t think I knew how much.
My therapist had mentioned that I’d been through a lot of changes in the last eight years. This recent trip offered me moments to consider how much I felt change happened TO me versus how many changes I’d made happen. There is a distinct difference. The former involves feeling totally helpless and the latter involves feeling in control. Typically change doesn’t bother me, or at least that is what I told myself. But changes that I don’t want or that I didn’t see coming irritate me, and apparently life is full of those types of changes.
I wanted the change of trying something new occupationally. I didn’t know about the stress and loneliness that would come with that change, but I chose to start my own business. I wanted to own a house and plant roots. I didn’t know all the expenses that were going to come as appliances and internal systems needed updating, but I initiated that change. I wanted my parents to move closer to me and my brother, as they got older. I didn’t know that a few years after their move my mother would suddenly pass away, leaving a hole in my life that I’m still trying to understand how to fill. That change happened TO me, and it shifted everything inside of me.
No one told me change could feel so cruel. So painful. So unforgiving and confusing. No one told me that sometimes, the only thing you can do is just let change come. Control is an illusion; responsibility and responsiveness are concrete.
I initially thought if I could accept change in certain areas, then everything else could stay the same, giving me a sense of normalcy and control. But then I realized that I’ve changed. My expectations, my perspective, my needs—they have all changed. And since I’m always with myself, change is always with me. This recent trip unknowingly gave me a moment to accept just that: I’ve changed. I’m not the same person I was before I started my business. I’m not the same person I was before becoming a homeowner. I will never be the same person I was before my mom died. Those versions of myself will never exist again; I think I’ve finally accepted that change, and I’m proud of this version of me.
I’m learning to let change come—however it comes, whatever it is, and whoever comes and goes with it… Deep breaths. A hopeful heart. Prayerful and open hands. Weeping when necessary. I’ll let change come.
Leave a Comment
Cheryl W says
BEAUTIFUL!!! This was a complete and entire word!💥🎯💯 So on point and a confirmation for me on the theme of change and principles of acceptance and surrender. A reminder that ‘life happens for us, not to us’. And that ‘ALL things are lessons the universe or the God of your understanding would have us learn’. Thank you for the reminder to return to our breath…it’s our connection to the Divine and our reminder that Divine Love protects and enfolds us through it ALL. #GratefulandGrowing
Mariama Moody says
Thank you so much for your comment! Here’s to another year of deep breaths & surrender:)
Sylvia Marie Clinkscales says
Thank you so much for your message on letting changes happen. I am an soon to be 71 year old, an only child of my mother and a father who left when I was a chjld and never looked back, first-time owner of a brand new home that one of my kids and her husband built and paid for me. I have 5 children that I raised by myself after my husband and I separated. He recently died of cancer and my children took great care of him until he passed away. God has brought a new inner feeling to my children and myself, which has made us closer than ever. I am trying to understand that changes are inevitable and learn to accept the good and the bad circumstances that come with living each and every day. I cried as, I read your message this morning.You have gratefully blessed me and I am thankful for your insightfulness.
Mariama Moody says
Thank you so much for your comment! You have certainly been through a lot of changes, and I’m humbled that my words were encouraging in any capacity. I hope you and your family continue to grow closer together, and that you enjoy your new home!
TT says
This short essay touched my spirit this morning. As women, we navigate so much and are oftentimes looked upon as change agents and caretakers. We don’t often take the time to appreciate the cumulative effect that change has had on us, personally.
Blessings to you, sister, as you continue to evolve and grow.
Mariama Moody says
Thank you for your comment! SIS – if that ain’t the truth!:) I hope we all take time to really think about how life & change has affected us. We are all going through so much:)
Cassandra Conyers says
What a beautiful and poignant article. I just turned 62, and I tell my kids that I am in the 4th quarter of my life. I had a 35 year career of being a Nurse, and 2 years ago I walked away. I was not ready for the financial challenges, but discovering parts of myself was well worth it. Change is constant, but being open to the Universe opens doors I never imagined ❤️
Mariama Moody says
Thank you so much for your comment! Congrats on your retirement and new chapter of life! I agree…we never really know how much there is to know about ourselves, until we give ourselves permission to explore.
CK says
So good; thank you!
Mariama Moody says
You are very welcome…thank you so much for your comment!
Neiasha Russell says
Beautifully said! Thank you so much for sharing a part of you with us!
Mariama Moody says
Appreciate you sis…thank you so much for your comment!
Winediva says
I appreciate your observations! I’m about to turn 74! I go down memory lane often asking what I could have done differently. I dream of my college bestie laden and helpless with MS, cured ! I see her holding court and celebrating her renewed life! I have many questions about my future, trying to enjoy the present and attempting patience about what’s to come!
Best to you in ‘24.
Mariama Moody says
Thank you for your comment! And I appreciate you sharing how you are reflecting about life at 74 (shout out to all the college besties:)). I wish we all could have more multi-generational conversations – there is a lot of wisdom & knowledge to glean from each other.
Aina Waters says
Thank you for your gracious vulnerability: this piece was a gift.