I am not even gonna to front, writing this piece was a serious struggle for me, y’all. I tried to think of a million and one other things I could possibly write about because I did not want to get into this subject at all. Toxic culture is promoted through podcast gurus, situationships with no boundaries have been adopted as the new norm—the way this generation is set up, you would be blessed to make it out of the relationship market alive.
Thank God we have Papoose and Remy MA or LeBron and Savannah James to look up to when it comes to bae goals, but celebrities should not be the blueprint when it comes to a successful relationship.
You see, I was raised in what I call a marital dynasty. My parents are still married, I have five siblings who are all happily married, and then there is me. I am not married. To be completely transparent, I feel not only pressured but like a failure in this department. I always approach life like I am going to win, but the older I get, the less confident I become that I will be a wife. I do not want to look at TikTok couples, celebrity couples, or even my parents as ‘bae goals’, I want to be my own.
First of all, not being married at this age is super hard for me and borderline embarrassing. I am 31 years old and definitely not a city girl. I am a God-fearing, praying woman—ambitious, sweet and spicy, and absolutely in love with the idea of being in love. In my world, I’m not better than anyone but I still consider myself a great catch. For some reason beyond me, other than being a 10-year girlfriend at one point in time, I am not yet married.
I know society pushes the whole “independent woman” and “I don’t need a man” concepts, which are correct in theory because all we need is God, but at the same time I was groomed to be a wife and a mother. So I cannot help but to feel lonely at times. On top of that, you couldn’t pay me a billion dollars to bear a child without a ring. (Okay, I may be reaching, because everybody’s got a price, but I am sure you understand what I mean.)
Yes, I would like to be a mother, but I have to be a wife first. Yes, I would like to be a wife, but someone has to propose to me first. This just makes me feel like I have to put my bae goals and my destiny into someone else’s hands. I don’t know about you, but when I cannot control my own outcome, that is when my fear starts to kick in.
It seems to me like a lot of men in my generation want to talk about you carrying a child before they even—if ever—ask for your hand in marriage. The title of “Baby Mama” has become a norm that I would rather not participate in. Life is a struggle as it is, so I will try my best not to make it any harder. Not to mention all the baby mama vs. baby daddy Facebook status updates have given me PTSD at this point. No shade and more power to anybody who falls into this category, but God knows that is not the life for me—I would’ve been booked behind bars and in someone’s cell a very long time ago.
Equally important to note: the dating pool has pee in it, for sure. How embarrassing that the 30+ crew are online still debating the concept of 50/50 in a relationship. And why are we pushing the ‘grass is always greener’ narrative instead of watering our own lawns? This generation has rewritten the rules of what I thought love, companionship, and relationship were all about. It just doesn’t seem to be sacred anymore. This generation is giving Chrisean Rock and BlueFace when my standard is more like Denzel and Pauletta Washington.
Okay, now that I got all my thoughts out, I admit writing this piece was actually very therapeutic. What I realize is putting my bae goals in this generation’s hands is where I’ve gone wrong this entire time. I’ve struggled because other people do not have power or authority over my life nor destiny. I need to put my goals into God’s hands. And because I trust God so much, that will help me rid myself of the fear I have been holding onto for a long time.
Who are your favorite couples, bae goals, and relationship inspirations, and why?
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nice read
Good morning Sis!! Oh wow!! I absolutely love this article. I have no favorite couples, Bae goals or relationship inspirations. I want what God has for me..periodt.. Thanks for your transparency and honesty. And there is definitely pee in the dating pool..
Blessings
Thank you so much for sharing. You have it in the right hands! I was married for 32 years, now at 62 and divorced looking to date again seem impossible! I feel for me that the dating pool has more then just pee in it! I still believe in love, most would say I am an hopeless romantic person. I know if it is what God wants for me it will happen. For man it is impossible, but nothing is impossible for God!
I want to encourage you to seek the Lord. The Bible says “a man that finds a wife, finds a Good thing.” Tell the Lord exactly what you need in a husband and trust Him to answer your prayer…be open to accepting a different race as well. My 30 y/o niece just married…and held her physical integrity while she waited for God to answer her prayers. God sent him to find her and he is from a different race….Loves God wholeheartedly and my niece. Again, be encouraged, seek the Lord, pray for your husband and God will send him to “find you.” Blessings, Lady Christal Roberts
This was great and also your transparency was refreshing. I think it’s hard to really say couples goals because I know it all is work and when I look at another couple, that’s what we see on the outside but we really don’t know the struggles they are having privately.
Thank you for sharing your story! It’s so interesting how this generation sees things like dating and marriage. I’m in my 40s coming through a divorce of a 9 year marriage. I look around at the dating climate and I’m like, wow, what a mess!! I will focus on my healing and wholeness and wait on the Lord to move in that area of my life next time. My parents will be celebrating 53 years of life together next month March!! They are an example of real luv and marriage in more ways than one, they are really in luv with each other and show it regularly. It’s an amazing site to see, especially in this day and time.
Thank you for writing this! I’m 42 and am still single for some of the same reasons you’ve listed. The norm has changed for dating and marriage. As long as you do what’s best for you, hold on to your beliefs and standards (minus the expectations of others), all will be well! Your goals for marriage and motherhood will come to pass.
I get it, I didn’t get married until I was 35. Waiting til then allowed me to grow.
I grew up in a family where my divorced Grandmother was our matriarch and instilled in each of to be strong, independent black women. My mother was involved in a really bad marriage for most of my life and finally walked away from with her head held high. I was involved in a number of time-wasting relationships for years until I decided to sit my hips down and not think about my desire to have a meaningful, solid relationship. I immersed myself in traveling, spending time with friends and family and getting to know myself. Out of the blue I get introduced, over the PHONE, to one of my BFF’s cousins. Talk about WEIRD!
WELL….we dated for 7 years and I got married to my now husband after I had turned 38. Along the way, I found out through a series of doctor’s appointments that I couldn’t have children. When I got married to my husband, I inherited 5!
I’ve learned that things don’t always turn out the way that we planned them, yet they turn out the way they’re supposed to. I’ve also learned to embrace and be content where I’m at (and was in this case). It WILL work out the way that it’s supposed to for you.
It is reported that about 900,000 Black men are incarcerated and the school to prison pipeline is prepared to receive more. So dating outside our culture, race is probably a plausible option. Furthermore, there’s the bleak realities that many Black women will never find contentment through martial bliss. It’s just the times we’re in. Hence, we must learn to fall madly in love with other aspects of this thing called life and real pray not for a husband, but a harder prayer: Father is marriage for me?
This was the epitome of transparency. Which speaks volumes about how in touch with yourself you are. You have your goals and that is enough. We are in this world but not of this world so only God defines your timeline. I am proud of you. Until God sends you who He has for you, keep living your best life. You are 31 but you have time.
My bae goals are my grandparents. They married at 18, went through the mid, had 5 kids, went through trial and tribulations with little to no help from anyone. Although not perfect they always stuck it out together and worked in love because they knew they wanted to “water the lawn”. I love to say that my fiancé and I grow in love. We love each other deeply but the real challenge is learning how to love each other as they change in each season and continuing to learn each other. Do not worry about the age as which you are single because when the right person comes they will check most boxes and you will know who you are ready to grow in love with.
My sister friend, l’m so glad that you wrote this! I enjoyed reading it and when l was finished l had to ask my 21 year old daughter what are Bae goals? Who is Chrisean Rock and Blue Face?(lol)!
I want you to make a list of everything that you want in a husband and give that list to God in prayer. While you wait, don’t postpone joy! Continue to live each day that God blesses you with, and consider being a mentor. There could be a young girl just waiting for a an opportunity to be guided and loved by you.