As we prepare to travel home for the holidays, one thing that gives us anxiety is knowing that one auntie will ask the questions: “When are you getting married?”, “When are you going to have a baby?”, “Are you back in school again?” Let’s not even get started on the pandemic weight… And if that isn’t enough, here come the engagement posts because everybody gets a ring on Christmas. At least it seems like it. (Now that I think about it, I got engaged on Christmas Eve.) These situations will have us questioning our worth and wondering if something is wrong.
Let me stop you.
I don’t know who needs to read this, but you can be whole all by yourself. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that being single is better than having a partner. I’m saying that you can be complete without a significant other. Sis, you hold the key to your happiness—it’s not in anyone else’s pocket.
I remember the timeline I created in my head when I was in my 20s. I’d graduated from pharmacy school with a doctorate at age 23. So, of course, I wanted to be married with kids before 30, which would make me happy and complete. Who told me that I needed someone else to complete me? Most importantly, why did I believe it? Was I not satisfied with a doctorate and a full-time job at an age when so many were still trying to find their way?
This mindset affected my relationships. Eight years passed, and I stayed in an unhealthy relationship because it was better than being alone. I had a companion, but I was not happy. When I look back at that 20-year-old woman, I realize she was broken and thought she needed someone to fix her.
Then I met my husband at 31, got engaged on Christmas Eve at 32, and was married at 33. It was not according to my timeline, but it happened on time. I became a mom at 35 and was finally whole until my husband died. I was 40. His death broke my heart, but I was still whole. He hadn’t been the missing piece to my puzzle but had added value to my life. This is what life and love are all about.
We’ve got to recognize that we are already masterpieces, and the people who come into our lives should add value. Every part of your past—the good, the bad, and the ugly—shapes who you are today. You cannot change what happened, but you can learn from it and use those experiences to make better decisions. My past was instrumental in shaping me into the woman I am today.
The timeline that I created is long gone. The wife that I planned to be is no more, and I embrace being a widow. I no longer feel pressured to marry, and instead I trust the plan. If it comes up at the table this year, my response will be, “I don’t need a husband, but I want one.” I am whole all by myself.
And you are whole right now. You matter—just as you are. No intrusive question asked while passing the macaroni can change that.
The truth is, we all have the power to be happy. It’s not about finding someone else who makes us happy—it’s about learning to do that for ourselves. We are whole, complete, and perfect as we are right now, and it doesn’t matter whether anyone else sees it. The most important thing is that we know it in our hearts.
This Thanksgiving, how will you affirm yourself in the face of your family’s questions?
Great, Great Advice
Wow this story was has me speechless 🙏🏾❤️
Natasha Harrison says
I get those questions ask the time sis but I love your response. I will tell those interested in my well being that I’m whole. Should a mate come along GREAT! If not, GREAT! Because a partner, though wonderful to have, does not complete me. He has to add to me my worth is mine already! 🙏🏾❤️
Ellen J. says
Oh my goodness, how your words leaped into my soul. I read them after my morning prayer. It was like God answered the angst I was feeling for the guests soon to arrive in my home for Thanksgiving 2022. The questions, the side-eye, the vibes… You gave me the perfect response; I’m whole, complete, and perfectly ‘me’. TY for that!
All my life I’ve struggled with my weight. Over the past few years I have put on a great deal of weight, as I am a stress eater. Right before the shut down my husband was diagnosed with Glioblastoma, which is a brain cancer. I cared for him at home during that time. He recently passed away. I would have loved to travel home to be around family, especially since this is my first Thanksgiving without him. However, I get so tired of hearing how much weight I’ve gained and if I lost weight I would be so beautiful. Well, I’m not in that head space this year, so I chose to spend the holiday alone. If people would just love on you and not criticize or voice every opinion, oh how much better the world would be. Everyone is not that strong and some people go their entire lives with complexes and insecurities behind a simple question. I really could have used the support this year.
My prayers go out to you. I had a brother in law who passed earlier this year from that cancer and a girlfriend who is deteriorating from that same aggressive cancer. People think you should just bounce back, it’s not that simple. My Irish twin my brother just passed 2 years ago, I’m still struggling. I’m going to tell you what he drilled in my brain months before passing. “YOU DO YOU” what anyone else thinks is NOT important.
NaDine Matlock says
I love the way you ‘cleared’ that up. So often I see friends and relatives who post on social media how they’re looking for relationships or ‘that man’ who’s going to make them complete. Essentially, they’re devaluing their own self worth. Desperation is not attractive for anyone. Thank you
This is a beautiful message! Thanks for sharing it. Too many sisters have the mistaken notion that they aren’t complete without a partner which often results in them entering into bad relationships. We must see ourselves as God’s masterpieces! He has created us in his own image. We must first accept ourselves before we try to connect to another human being. Allow God to lead us in the right direction through prayer & meditation. Be happy and find gratitude in each day!
So we’ll said Sister! Peace and Blessings!
Charlotte Means says
I really enjoyed the article. My family never asks me those questions ( even though I’m 57 and have never been married and have no children. Lately, I’ve been trying the dating scene but I’ve come to realize that it’s just too much work and at my age, I’m not willing to put that much into it. The article helped confirm what I’ve known for a long time…. I’m whole all by myself! I look forward to reading future articles.
As I read this at 60 years old– I realize that I wasted. Good portion of my life thinking I wasn’t good enough…
I didn’t begin to realize my Godly worth until the death of my Mother a little more than nine years ago– I am THRILLED that I have no problem looking anyone in the eye at Thanksgiving, Christmas or any other day of the week and proudly proclaiming: “I am not willing to give up the peace I have finally attained to be in an unhealthy relationship. If something (or someone) is for me–it will find it’s way to me. If it doesn’t I’m GOOD!”
Delphine Jolley says
Sis… recognizing being whole IS a whole vibe! You have confirmed through Spirit that all is truly well and where we are is exactly where we need to be. I just wanted to tell you I love ALL you have decreed & declared and I find Life, incarnate in your very words of powRA. The Universe whispers your name with such pride.
Remain the Magnum Opus you ARE!