Oh my, did I just do an internet search for “I hate my job?” I did! I do! I hate my job. Don’t get me wrong, I have a keen adult-level awareness that situations and interactions can be challenging. It is called ‘work’ for just that reason, it takes work. There will be challenges faced and hurdles conquered. However, there is a definite difference between a lousy day and a nuclear fallout of toxicity.

After the fourth reorganization in just two years, I was reporting to an accomplished Black woman with a voice in the industry. I was hopeful the culture had finally shifted for the better. I immediately let go of any past ills on the job and looked forward to the days ahead. The new VP initially showed understanding and support for being a Black woman in the workforce. The first one-on-one meeting was so encouraging. She stated, “No one is going to work harder or be more committed to an organization’s objectives than a Black woman. It is not in our character to do less than one-hundred-and-fifty percent.” She also stated how this can be a blessing and a curse at the same time. Her words and our professional relationship for the next six months would simultaneously support and negate my perceptions of a ‘powerhouse professional Black woman.’

VP talks #1: New VP walked into my office as I was holding a team meeting and exclaimed, “What is this expense for?” handing me a sheet of paperwork. I replied that the expense supported a media buy. She began to bark about the difference between an advertorial and an ad, and then she told me not to continue the currently committed media buy. This barking occurred with the entire team silently observing the exchange.

VP talks #2: The conversation started with me being reprimanded for sending a team member to a meeting instead of attending myself. The meeting occurred on the same day that four young Black women were reporting for their first day of internship. The new VP said with great conviction, “You should have just sat them in a corner and said you had an executive initiative.”

VP talks #3: I was called to new VP’s office to discuss my shortcomings as a professional. “I know you have a calm demeanor, but it is too calm” she said. “You also lack a sense of urgency.”

“I always appreciate guidance and feedback,” I told her, “Can you please provide specificity to the input?” She reminded me of the meeting when I declined attendance and elected to support the arrival of the interns instead.

“I’m really perturbed by your decision. Everyone at that meeting had interns and made the business-appropriate choice to ignore the interns and attend.”

Let’s be clear so those in the back can hear: As a whole Black woman, I will never put any young person, especially young Black people/women, in the corner.  My assignment was to ensure their experience was intentional, impactful, and inspiring. The new VP was relentless in her criticism and correction of how I led and delivered.

VP talks #4: I was told, “The CEO is disgusted with the work coming out of this office.”

“Can you please provide what is causing his disgust?” I asked. The question was answered with another question directed toward me and my accomplishments.

“Well, what have you done in the last two years?” she fervently asked. At that time, I held three national and two statewide marketing awards in our industry. And a critical campaign at the height of the pandemic was mentioned by a democratic departmental secretary for its innovative solution and community impact. That’s what I had been doing for the past two years.

What made—and continues to make—the job toxic is that the new VP is the doggone VP of Human Resources. So where do I go for advocacy? The leader who drives the culture creates this overwhelming despair and hopelessness… Or does she? The dissatisfaction in our professional exchanges were between two people. I was so angry at her criticism that I failed to look past it for the lesson. Yes, there is always a lesson. I should have reflected on the words of Henley’s “Invictus”:

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul.

I learned that neither the words nor the opinions of anyone ought to deter my journey. While the original inspiration for this was I hate my job, it really is I love myself—I love myself enough that no one person or job can take away my joy. A paycheck is not payment for my happiness. I am working to take my own advice. Stay tuned for the happy me.