People used to give me the sternest side eye when I said I did not get into the spirit of Christmas. Their eyes filled with judgment, and I felt increasingly invisible and disconnected from the world around me. Little did they know, my entire life was tossed upside down 17 years ago during the holiday season; the gift of joy was taken from me, and the gift of grief was left behind. On December 7, 2005, my older brother Christian was murdered. A best friend and protector that can never be replaced was taken away from me, and my life has not been the same since.
Not only did I lose a part of myself, I quickly learned the racial disparities within our criminal justice system. His death and the sequence of events related to his case that followed have shown me firsthand that the rules to this game of life are different depending on what you look like. Unfortunately for us, the man who murdered my brother and his friend was handed a “get out of jail free” card because killing two Black men was viewed as a badge of honor where he came from. What made matters worse, he was never arrested for what he did, despite his callous and boastful admissions in court and in front of my family. He literally laughed in open court as he described what he did to my brother—he thought it was funny to watch my brother run for his life.
Seventeen years without a piece of your heart makes enjoying life that much more difficult. Imagine being expected to function normally, every day, when one pillar of your foundation crumbles before your eyes. Over time, I learned how to function in a constant state of fear by creating these superficial safety nets that inadvertently reinforced my trauma because they, too, disintegrated, leaving me feeling vulnerable and exposed.
The joyous life I once knew became a distant memory. I found myself constantly warding off the traumatic and intrusive thoughts that filled its place. God truly carried me through my darkest days, no matter how many times I asked Him to put me down. I was exhausted of existing because joy just never really found its way back to me. But trauma, hardship, and heartache seemed to never get lost—they never really wanted to leave, and I was too tired to fight. So, they stayed with me a while.
As time went by, I began to applaud my ability to withstand the storm and neglect the wounds I sustained as a result. The wounds never had an opportunity to heal because something reminiscent would come along and either poke at or reopen them completely. I was stuck on a trauma rollercoaster and dreamt of the days when my feet would be on solid ground again. When I finally got there, I did not realize the ground I stood on was safe because the unfamiliarity was new to me. I was anxiously waiting to be taken under again by the tsunami of trauma and grief. I became so far removed from safety that being in a state of peace made me incredibly anxious. It took time and a conscious effort to heal, but I started to finally find my footing again.
Although the man who murdered Christian and his friend was never arrested or held accountable for what he did, five years later he was sentenced to prison for brutally murdering a young white male. I did not know if him finally being held accountable was an inadvertent form of justice for Christian and his friend, or if it was a strongly wound-up backhand slap across our faces, but knowing where he was finally put my mind at ease…That is, until he paroled last summer after serving a mere 10 years. Despite our tearful plea to the board of parole by way of impact statements, the wound I had worked so hard to heal was ripped open within seconds. I could physically feel myself drifting back into a dissociative state.
My emotions began to freeze, and my brain made its way to autopilot again, but I noticed my prayers to God and my approach to being retraumatized was different. I prayed for God to carry me through this again instead of leaving me behind, and I extended myself more compassion, grace, and understanding. It was in these moments when I realized that healing is a journey that ebbs and flows, it’s not this final destination where we are exempt from experiencing further pain. The truth about healing is there are peaks of joy and depths of sorrow. Things may trigger me today that may not trigger me tomorrow, as there are days when I feel nothing and others when I feel everything.
Whether my grief is ebbing or flowing (and it flowed heavily this year), I do my best to be vulnerable and transparent about how I am feeling and what I need, all while balancing ongoing empathy and self-love. Grief and trauma often take the wind out of our sails, but I have found that loving myself more on the dark days helps me sustain in the storm.
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My prayers go out to you and your family. There are many forms of justice, healing and peace.
Thank you so much for your prayers, Sharon! I agree that there are many forms or justice, healing, and peace, which truly gives me hope and the motivation to keep going 🙏🏽
Thank you for sharing your story. I have not experienced that kind of grief and pain but it’s very similar. The constant struggles of every day life seems to be more than I want to bear most days. But then I think on our God, his gifts of love, mercy and grace, all troubles begin to subside. It does not stop but gives me solace and peace to continue. Your statement that grief and pain of the past do not give us emunity from ever experiencing these again, was confirmation that eventually the storm will end and the rainbow(s) will come out again. We just need to learn that lesson…whatever it is!
Thank you for your heartfelt comment, Cathy. One of the crazy things about grief is it has a way of making us feel connected to one another, even if the type of loss we experienced is different. I am glad that my words provided you with conformation and resonated with your spirit. Sometimes staying the course in healing through grief is tough; Lord knows I wish I could have fast forwarded through some parts along the way. But it is by His grace that we continue to be carried through, for if He brings us to it, He will bring us through it. Sending you love as you continue on in your healing journey ♥️
Awesome message! You are an inspiration my Spelman sister. 💙
Aww thank you so much my Spelman sister 💙
Thanks for sharing you help me know that what and what I feel is real and okay and God and my faith keeps me going.
You are more than welcome, Amelia! I am so glad that my words validated how you have been feeling. I pray that God will continue to cover you with His grace and gives you the strength you need to persist forward 🙏🏽
Thank you!
You are very welcome, Helen 💜
The courage and open-heartedness required to share your story is truly remarkable, Daija. I love who you are and how you are helping others heal with your story.
Thank you so much for always providing me with a safe space to be my most authentic self and extending me love through every phase, Lydia ❤️
This is a beautiful sentiment and tribute to your brother, my cousin, and your family. I love you Cousin! I know for a fact Christian is very proud of you, and you carry his smile wherever you go. Keep shining loved one.
Aww thank you so much, Cuz! I do my best to keep his name alive and make him proud. I love you too ❤️
I can’t imagine the thoughts that enter your mind during your ebbs and flows. I am thankful that God protects our hearts and minds. The fact that you still feel and hurt is a testament to God’s faithfulness. Just remember His strength is made perfect in our weakness. 🙏🏽
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, Evalyne! I am so grateful that God protects our hearts and minds too, as well as grateful for my ability to feel things deeply again. Although the pain can be tough, having the ability to feel and experience emotions is truly a blessing. Amen to God’s strength being perfect…I would not be here without it 🙏🏽
Thank you for sharing such a personal and painful testimony of how God can will carry us through the darkness. There is no time limit on grief. I pray that as you continue on your journey of healing know there are others who are inspired by you.
So very very heartfelt it took my breath away!!! It reminds us we never grieve alone.
Thank you for sharing and thank you for the encouragement. Grief is a process but thank God for hope. We grieve because we love.
Thank you for formulating the grief process because it’s hard to heal a broken heart. May God continue to bless you with the gift to express with your writing skills..
This piece was very similar to my situation in reference to the untimely death of my brother and the series of emotions I currently experience. This process has been and still is very tough for me but stories like this do help, especially knowing someone could sincerely relate to the emotions I feel. Thank you for sharing your journey with me and being vulnerable. It is greatly appreciated.
Prayers for you and your family.