Content Warning: This content includes stories about abuse and sexual assault.
Abuse is an interesting thing. You begin in a position of vulnerability because you’re smaller, weaker, more fearful, or have less power than the abuser, they take advantage of you. They steal things from you physically, mentally, and—worst of all—spiritually. After the abuse you feel broken, afraid, and powerless. I have suffered physical and mental abuse in my life. The worst was sexual abuse. It did something to me I never expected, adding so many layers of loss and destruction that at some point I began to participate in my own abuse. I unknowingly decided to join in.
I was molested for the first time at the age of four. The teenaged brother of a distracted babysitter decided that I was fair game. I was a small girl with a big smile who trusted the adults around her. I remember lying on the floor and staring over my right shoulder at the front door, begging someone to walk through. I didn’t know if I would die from the pain or suffocate from the weight of his body on me. Eventually it was over. In reality, it was just beginning.
The next thing I remember is my screams followed by my mother’s tears and anger. She put me in the bathtub and the warm, soapy water caused me to cry out in pain. She immediately examined me and realized what had happened. She was furious. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that she wasn’t furious at me. In one day, I changed from carefree, trusting, and friendly to ashamed, paranoid, and guilty.
I read somewhere that every time a girl is molested, she is seven times more likely to be molested again. That would explain the feeling I had, like I was wearing a sign that predators could see. There could be 25 girls in the room, but they would always notice me. Over the next eight years I learned that bathrooms, corners of big houses, and even sleeping bags weren’t safe. I created a list of places to avoid. I never thought that my own mind needed to be on that list.
At some point I internalized the abuse. Because I was constantly targeted, I figured it must be something I was doing—the way I stood, my smile, or the sound of my voice. This caused me to develop a destructive mindset. I identified myself as a victim and decided that abuse was what I deserved. I eventually felt that it was my purpose—all that I was good for. That’s when I started to join in.
For years I had been careful about where I went and did everything I could to keep myself safe. But as time wore on, I became reckless and treated myself with very little value. This was reflected in my relationships with men, peers, and especially those in any position of authority. I allowed them to treat me with no respect or value. I didn’t stand up for myself or demand to be treated with basic decency. I would swallow my complaints and smile like a proper victim.
This wasn’t always obvious from the outside as I pursued higher education and maintained an attractive, articulate façade. It took one day to set me on this path, and one day I heard something that would guide me off it.
One Sunday morning I sat distractedly in service. I was half-listening while I worried about all the things I needed to do later that day. Something broke through my cluttered mind and shook me by my shoulders: “You’re not what you’ve done, you’re also not what was done to you.” I couldn’t believe how simple it was. It’s so common to tell people to forgive themselves, that their mistakes don’t define them, but no one ever told me that included wrongs perpetrated against me.
I could feel my mindset start to shift immediately. This led to trauma-centered counseling, prayer, and guided journaling. It led to shedding all the lies I told myself about me. I can’t believe that I joined in with the people who hurt me. The silver lining is a message that I share with women whenever I get the chance. You are not required to participate in your own abuse. Don’t join in.
Leave a Comment
June Askins says
This story was very uplifting being an abuse survivor myself. The phrase ” you’re not what you’ve done you’re also not what was done to you” will be my mantra from now on. I have started shedding the layers that for 60 years I have built up and it has taken me this long with therapy and prayer to begin to see myself differently. Thank you for sharing your experience and breakthrough it will go far and help someone else like me.
Bree says
Thank you for sharing your truth. I saw myself reflected in your words. I appreciate you sharing the words that broke through. I receive those words whole heartedly. Blessings to you!
VIVIEN WRIGHT says
Your message was excellent. I too suffered abuse and began a lifetime of shame, guilt, low self esteem. It caused me to self sabotage in all areas of my life. Thank you for sharing. We sisters need to tell our stories to heal
Christie Banyas says
“We sisters NEED to tell our story to heal”. B3 LED Yes more of this. YES
Cheryl says
Beautiful story of healing, thanks for sharing your testimony
Diana says
Thank you for sharing. I was abused physically and mentally for years.
Emily says
A powerful reminder to love thy self. Inspire of the scars. Thank you my Sister/Friend!!!
Debra Herbert says
I am so proud of you and what you have learned. I also was molested at a young age and then raped. I am now 68 years old and still struggling to come to terms with it. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.
Christie Banyas says
@ V. “We sisters NEED to tell our story to heal”. B3 LED Yes more of this. YES
@D. 51 and coming to terms with my molestations, sexual assaults and rapes. We have the full favor of GOD who was there in our darkest hours to
Brilliantly shine through to cast grace love forgiveness and healing on our redeemed lives.
B3 LED🦋
Erika Jenkins says
I hope it helps to know you aren’t alone.
Neysa Jones says
What a powerfully empowering message! You captured me from beginning to end. Your Story is the voice of so many.
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for conquering.
Erika Jenkins says
Thank you for taking the time to read.
Towanda says
That was very inspiring! Felt as if I was reading about myself and my childhood. I needed this,Thank YOU
Sonya Thompson says
Ms. Erika thank you for your transparency! I love how the Lord broke through years of pain and hiding with one powerfully profound statement. This post will bring healing to many…
Your To the moon and back Apostle ❤️
Erika Jenkins says
Thank you for your consistent love and support.
Natalie Westenskow says
Wow! Wow! Wow! Powerful, delivering words. Thank you!
Taylor B. says
This was such an amazing and inspiring story. I can’t wait to share this with the clients I work with as a reminder that they, too, can heal and overcome the impacts of trauma and abuse.
Erika Jenkins says
With your guidance and support they have an excellent chance at healing.
LaBrenda Armstead says
Thank you for sharing your story. The really sad part is that CST, molestation and rape was and is so commonplace and also many of us can relate to your story because we’ve been through it…I’m determined to be the voice for those who haven’t found theirs yet…
Julynn says
Your smile and your womanhood deserve to take up space in any place. You are a powerful, intuitive, and brave soul.Kudos to you for realizing your worth.