“Divorced” is never an identifier or label that anyone wants. But why is the word “divorce” more like a curse word than something that describes an event that you experienced? An unwanted circumstance or situation that you had to overcome? I am a 37-year-old, divorced, single mother and this is so far removed from what I envisioned for myself at this time in my life. Although my divorce has been finalized for a couple of years now, every time I fill out any documentation that asks for my marital status, I literally inwardly cringe, roll my eyes, and wonder to myself, “Why do you need to know whether I’m single, married, or divorced? Why is it your business?” Then I proceed to check to see if the answer is required, you know, indicated with the little red asterisk, and if not, I happily skip the question. And I then find myself with an attitude. I know I am NOT the only one.
I feel like I can speak for all divorcees when I say that I did not get married with the thought that I would ever get divorced. I got married with the belief and knowing in my heart that it would be a forever thing. For me, it was not a societal trope, song lyric, or little girl fantasy but it would indeed be my reality. A byproduct of a successful, healthy, thriving marriage of 33 years—I knew that to be my future. So, when the time came for me to first admit to myself that my experience would not parallel my parents’ love story, I was devastated. I then had to accept that my daughter and I would now be statistics. I would be part of the failing 50% and she would now be a product of a broken home. While I intellectually knew then what my heart also knows now—that our experiences do not define us, nor tell the full story of who we are—when you go through such a significant life shift, all you can think about are the consequences and the fallout. From sheer heartbreak to unworthiness.
I constantly remind myself that my divorce, regardless of the circumstances, was something that I had to overcome. It was a life challenge, a life transition. It doesn’t define who I am, my worth as a woman or my ability to love or be loved, and it doesn’t define my aptitude as a mother. However, the world and society can have us feeling as though being a divorcee is a complete personal failure, and that as a woman, especially a Black woman, if you couldn’t keep your family together then something must be internally wrong with you. It’s as if our pain, hurt, trauma, and struggle become reduced to minutiae in comparison to our inability to maintain our family unit. These are the lies that I am still trying to work through and overcome because honestly, I don’t know what hurts more, the divorce itself, the struggle and trauma I experienced before I came to the realization that divorce was imminent, or the blatant pity and judgment afterward. You know what I’m talking about—you’re at a function and someone asks “So, are you married?” and I immediately shrink a little inside before I reply, “No, I’m divorced.” It’s always followed by a pitying, “Oh. Okay.” And shortly thereafter, I want to disappear. Why do we live in a society where the married are considered greater than those who are divorced, or, God forbid, have never been married? To what standard is this being measured?
All I know for sure is that divorce is painful and isolating. It’s a journey I had to travel alone until I got to the other side. No matter how sure I was that this was the right thing to do for myself and my child, the finality of it brought an avalanche of emotions that I did not anticipate, nor was I prepared for. While I had supportive family and friends, none of them had gone through a divorce so they did not understand my daily emotional struggles. And if I’m being honest, neither did I. How can someone give you what you need when you don’t know what that is? How can you tell someone to be there, when you don’t know the ways in which you need them to be? I can say now that with faith and healing I know that my story has a purpose—a greater purpose than maybe I will even understand in this lifetime—but what I am certain of is that I am stronger, wiser, and better for it.
More importantly, I want my daughter to know and understand that your relationship history, good or bad, should not ever be considered personal failures, nor do they define who you are, or your value as a woman. I want her to understand the beauty and value of loving someone completely and to never use my experience as an excuse to keep from experiencing love in all its magnificence and glory as God intended.
I can now say and know it to be true: although my heart was broken, that doesn’t mean that I am. Your heartaches don’t signify your value as a woman in need of love, respect, compassion, and warm hugs. Divorce is not my end.
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I absolutely can relate to this. The most difficult part for me was hearing & seeing the silent judgment. I never expected to be divorced, let alone it only lasting a few years. The signs were there, I still went through 3 hard years of recovering mentally & emotionally. To date, I’m still indecisive as to if I want to be married again or not. 39, SINGLE, with a 15 year old is truly the statistic. Yet, my accomplishments since “the marriage,” are awesome. I became a homeowner, got a 2nd master’s, elevated in my career, learned self-love and I’m happier. There are still triggers & trauma and unknown insecurities, but I’m confident now to say, “a man does not define me & neither does a box to check.” Divorce saved me!
Absolutely needed to read this article. I’m going through my 2nd divorce and struggled for years staying because of shame and embarrassment of divorcing again! Clearly people would think what’s wrong with me! I had to accept the truth that it takes two people to make it work and it takes two to cause it not to work! It is NOT all my responsibility or fault either way!
You are not alone! The shame and embarrassment I felt when I realized my second marriage was failing caused me to stay in it longer than I should have. It definitely takes 2 people to make things work! God bless you as you navigate this season 🙏🏾
Thank you! Divorce is not the end. I am thankful society can not write or end our story. God has the final writing.
Your words are speaking to my soul. You know what needs to happen, but you know it will be sent as your failure, even now years after the event. I’m still explaining neither of us were evil, we just didn’t fit together well. Divorce isn’t the end. Thank you.
After reading your story. I think many women can relate to this on different levels through out their divorce. Speaking from the very seasonal generation, I personally can say divorce doesn’t have any age limit attached to it. Thank you for sharing your story.
Great article on a topic that society still strangely acts like it’s a taboo. Not all relationships were meant to last and we should be ok with that. It takes maturity to know when something isn’t working anymore and that it’s time to walk away. It would be irresponsible to stay in an environment that isn’t healthy for you. Society puts too much emphasis on marriages without even caring about whether the marriage is a healthy one or not. Marriage never stopped anyone from being a horrible person, it isn’t a superpower, and it can’t save the world so we need to stop looking at divorces as something that’s condemned or shameful. Divorce isn’t something that ends a novel but a chapter and there’s plenty of space for the story to continue into a happily ever after ending.
Beautiful ❤️👊🏽
Thank you for sharing your personal experience on a topic that could be seen as taboo.
Wow! This was an awesome read . Although I’ve never been married , but I can relate to the feeling when someone asks that question.(are you married). and my response is NO!! They immediately look at me (like what’s wrong with her ) being a single mother with children and unmarried is something others frown on. This article summarized the negative feed back you get being divorced, unmarried that many woman face. This article gave me courage to not allow someone else thoughts , feelings dictate how I feel and the direction my life is moving.
I needed this read ! Great work!!
You are most definitely strong, loved, covered by God and A example of a woman to your daughter.
I prayed to God for words to say to my niece who is about to be divorced. I am a professional school counselor but I lack words. Thank you for this beautiful message. It gave me the words I needed.
There is beauty in what was the struggle. The art of creating a better “self”, growing from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. You are thriving beautifully. May your next chapter in life be your best heart desire you could ever imagine. Blessings upon you!!
I love how you took ownership of your story. Not allowing your circumstance to build a home on your land in the future. You embraced your story, and change the narrative. The end of this story is truly beautiful.
Thank you. For sharing your freedom experience.
This was such a power piece of art. Understanding that a label does not truly define you is important. I’m proud and appreciative that you shared your story. Your story is just that your story and it will help so many people. A person demographic doesn’t matter we are all human who deserve to be treated with love and respect. I can’t wait to read more of your work.
“Although my heart was broken, that doesn’t mean that I am”. No truer words have been spoken. Our trials and tests are our testimony. Your experience speaks to the testament of the amazing God we serve and the strength of you as a woman. I cannot begin to fathom the mental, emotional and spiritual toll this took on you but the fact that you had the courage to share your story and walk in your truth speaks volumes. Continue to walk boldly in your story for you don’t know who could be uplifted and saved from your testimony.
Whew! Thank you so much for sharing your experience and voicing so well what many others are feeling. There is so many different things that are placed on women in our society and though we are not alone in these experiences how we may be the only one in our immediate life going through it and can’t clearly identify how we could be supported. Also, how to move forward and that it’s an ongoing process
I absolutely agree as Woman and Mother of two who’s been divorced several years now! It’s really the beginning!
Very well said and very true. I needed this today!!
Beautifully written