There are certain milestones in life where we can expect to predict how we will feel. Joy on your wedding day, nervousness when starting a new job, worry about becoming a new parent.

As a doctoral student, I’d fantasized for years about what it would feel like to finally complete my Ph.D. in psychology and enjoy the freedom and prestige that I thought would accompany it. I fantasized about the relief I would feel upon finishing my dissertation and thought I’d be walking on a cloud as I crossed the stage to receive my diploma.

Instead, nothing went as expected. Completing my dissertation remotely (during a global pandemic) proved to be more challenging than expected. In addition to that, family drama took center stage at my graduation. Personally, I was grieving the recent loss of my grandfather and hurt by family and friends who’d chosen to ignore my achievement altogether. Professionally, I discovered that I was naïve in my belief that having a doctorate would open the door to the job of my dreams. Rather than walking on a cloud, I unexpectedly found myself deep in the trenches.

As a psychologist, I was used to helping others as they navigated life transitions. I was aware of the accompanying anxiety and depression that could occur. Even still, it was challenging to brace myself for the emotional impacts of adjusting to unexpected disappointments. I wanted to shut down and turn inward, but instead I challenged myself to practice what I preached to my clients. During times where we want to give in to sadness, resentment, hurt, and fear, we must do the opposite.

I turned outward to begin my own healing journey. I did the hard work.

First, I practiced gratitude. As I processed my grief, I thanked my grandfather for the love and guidance I received while he was alive. I shifted my focus away from the people who didn’t celebrate me when I graduated and cultivated deeper relationships with the people who did. During that process, I grew closer to my mother-in-law and came to truly value her unconditional support. I talked with a former classmate and found that she was having similar struggles in adjusting to life post-graduate school. Our friendship deepened as we supported each other, and I realized that building community helped me cope in a healthier way.

I also learned to receive care. As the eldest daughter in a high-achieving family, I was accustomed to taking care of all my needs and everyone else’s. I struggled with resting and never once considered asking someone to take something off my plate. The supportive women in my life encouraged me to lean on my husband. I shifted away from feeling like I had to do it all. I learned to receive his support — whether it was asking for soothing touch when I felt anxious, crying on his shoulder, or asking him to take the lead on some major decisions for our household. Learning to let him take care of me helped me feel less overwhelmed and more supported.

Lastly, I learned to give myself grace. I recognized that I was burned out and needed to step away from an unhealthy work environment so I could rest and heal. I said no to things that didn’t serve me and yes to opportunities to rest. I finally took a vacation and reconnected with hobbies I’d put aside. I spent time learning a new version of myself and finally said goodbye to my old life as a graduate student.

Now, I realize that I have been given the gift to define myself in a new light. My support system is now strong and effective, my marriage is healthy, and my opportunities are endless. When we find ourselves in seasons of disappointment, despair, and uncertainty, we must turn outward, strengthen our community, and lean into our support systems.

I hope that my story resonates with Black women who can relate. Please share in the comments below if my story validates your experiences and helps you find something you can apply to your own healing journey.