(CW: Suicide)
I love the number six. For some people the number six could represent a birth date, a special anniversary or something else of great significance. It could represent the amount of money in your wallet right now (do people still carry cash these days?). However, for me, the number six has a different meaning. It represents the number of times I attempted suicide.
I describe living with (and surviving) depression as emotional quicksand. Whenever life’s curve balls happened, I would immediately begin to sink. My mind would go on a downward spiral and the incident would cause me to pile on the negative thoughts. One of the six attempts was triggered by heartbreak that caused overwhelming sadness. I was in my early 30s and I hadn’t dated many men. I thought the best of a man who wasn’t deserving of my kindhearted nature. My soul was crushed. I kept thinking, “I am a good person and if a good person like me can be treated so cruelly, then why am I here?” My heart ached and I wanted out. This overwhelming sadness took me to a place where I swallowed a handful of pain medication. Someone called the police and after psychiatric inpatient hospitalization, I was released to my family.
My story didn’t end. I survived.
There would be other attempts when emotional quicksand made me wonder about my purpose. On the outside, I was a well-educated and accomplished woman with a budding career, but on the inside I struggled.
One of my personal sayings is, “She went through the fire, but doesn’t smell like smoke.” I adopted this saying based on one of my favorite stories of faith in the Bible in book of Daniel. When the three Hebrew boys, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, were bound and thrown into a fiery furnace by King Nebuchadnezzar they emerged unharmed. The Lord was in the fire with them. The part of the story that resonates with me most is this passage:
“The satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them.” (Daniel 3:27, NIV)
I decided to reframe my view of my past. The number six was meant to symbolize death but now it represents the number of times God spared my life. Just like the three Hebrew boys, the fires of life didn’t consume me. I believe the best is yet to come. I’m still standing.
Although I am not a behavioral health professional, I believe my lived experiences can become a tool to encourage and uplift others. Here are some steps I’ve taken to heal:
Re-Evaluated My Circle – As I took steps to re-evaluate my life, I recognized that I needed a circle of trusted people who embraced me and did not simply tolerate my existence. Through introspection I realized it was okay to say goodbye to people and things that didn’t serve me well.
Identified My Support System – As a single woman, I realized loneliness often fed into my depression. Not only did I need a support team, but I recognized that other singles craved the same thing. I built a support team with people and resources who ensure I am the best version of myself. For me, that includes a therapist, a personal trainer (I gained weight during my depression which had an impact on my overall health), my mom and sister, my church family, and girlfriends. Even the National Suicide Hotline 988 can be a tool for support. If I feel myself spiraling, I now have a plan – I call my support team.
Reframed My Thoughts To Avoid the Mental Pile On – Reframing is a powerful tool that I had to build like a muscle. To reframe, practice seeing your current situation through a different lens. For example, when I dealt with a disappointment, I would associate that feeling or situation with everything negative. I would ask, was I too fat? Was I not pretty enough? Now, I practice reframing by using a set of positive affirmations I’ve saved on my phone. Words like, “I am strong. I am healthy. I am radiant and youthful. I am talented and gifted.” I also found journaling helped me get my emotions out of my head.
Owned My Story – According to the World Health Organization, more than 700,000 people die by suicide every year. For every suicide, there are 20-25 suicide attempts. I used to feel embarrassed to be a suicide attempt survivor. I worried that if people knew they would treat me differently. Then I realized that this is my story. I get to share this part of your life with who I choose and when I do, I believe it helps others.
Recently, I became certified in Youth Mental Health First Aid, which means I can provide initial help to a young person experiencing a mental health crisis or substance use challenge. I believe my survival story is my purpose. Like the Hebrew boys, what intended to keep me bound is a testament to God’s unfailing love. What’s your story and how have you used it to live with purpose?
Leave a Comment
I love this. This is what I call the TESTIMONY after the TEST. You put into words the meaning of going through something. Because so many forget through is not a permanent state, there is always the other side, which is the TESTIMONY!🥰
Thank you, VUU classmate! I appreciate you.
Thank you for sharing this story. I believe it will provide support and encouragement to many who may be going through similar struggles.
Your heartfelt story stopped me in my tracks- I am speechless and at the same time ready to scream so loudly how in awe I am of your strength. Please know how much you’ve inspired me and how proud I am to call you friend!!
Hi Mrs. Molodow,
Thank you for reading my article! You encouraged me to use my voice back in my Honors English class and I’m glad I found a way to do that in a meaningful way. Thank you!
So blessed that you’ve chosen to share your story. God is so good. Love that you share accessible and actionable tips for those who may be experiencing the same or similar challenges. Thankful to have connected with you.
Thank you, Krystal!
To be honest and humble, and live your truth shows how strong you have become. You are very smart and deserve the best. I look forward to reading your articles in the future.
I was deeply moved by this. It should speak to and help other sensitive hearts.
Thank you.
Thank you, Victoria!