In 2017, I found myself grieving the version of me that was the girl with the good skin.

I’d look at pictures of myself and instantly get sad. I couldn’t understand why I was my skin was not responding to topical steroids. Once, I was preparing to attend a beach wedding. As someone who grew up with eczema, going out of town or on vacation meant that I’d have to consider changes that would interupt my daily skincare routine.

Depending on where I might be going, I’d head to the doctor for allergy medicine and a prescription for a topical steroid ointment. However, this time, knowing that I’d prefer to be in a swimsuit and not covered up on the beach, I opted for a steroid shot instead of a topical ointment. Steroid shots, for me, typically work a lot faster than creams. Since I knew I wanted clear skin on the beach, a steroid shot was the best choice.

A few weeks after the shot, the troubled skin in the crease of my arms began to clear up. However, at the three-week mark, I noticed something was wrong. The once smooth and clear skin began to flare up uncontrollably. At first, I thought it was a temporary reaction, but as the days turned into weeks, I realized something was terribly wrong. The discomfort became unbearable — my skin felt like it was on fire and any slight bump or graze against my skin would bring me to tears. I couldn’t find any relief.

After an in-depth Google search, I came to the awareness that I was going through topical steroid withdrawal. Still, my condition worsened, simple tasks like getting out of bed, showering, and dressing myself became extreme challenges. I felt like I was losing a part of myself.  Every morning, I would wake up and struggle with what I saw in the mirror. The reflection staring back at me was becoming unrecognizable. My self-esteem was plummeting and I withdrew from social activities. The physical symptoms were excruciating, but the emotional toll was a different beast in and of itself. I felt isolated, ashamed, and hopeless.

I went from being the girl who people would compliment, saying to my mom, “Your baby has grown up to be such a beautiful young woman,” to feeling like an ugly duckling. So many questions I’d ask myself: What will they say about me now? Will they still think I am beautiful? What if I never rebound? Will my skin ever clear up? The biggest question of them all, however, was: Do I still think I am beautiful?

For the next five years, I would find my answer to that question. Going through topical steroid withdrawal led me to grow in a more intimate way in my relationship with God. I realized that true beauty radiates from the inside and starts within. While I would lay on my couch each day, praying and hoping for healing in a physical way, God was healing me within. 

He showed me that no matter how I looked on the outside, I had to feel beautiful within. Worthy within. Joyful within. At peace with who I am within. If I never got the chance to wear a beautiful lace blouse because the fabric felt irritable to my broken and burning skin, or a pair of four-inch stilettos because the skin on my feet and ankles was swollen and oozing, I had to be at peace with that. 

During this period, I found solace in prayer and scripture. Psalm 139:14 (NIV) was one of my scriptural anchors: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” This verse reminded me that my worth is not tied to my physical appearance but to the value God had placed within me.

I had to get to a place where there was no doubt in my mind that what God placed inside of me is greater and far more precious than how I look and what I wear. For five years, I grieved the version of me that was the girl with the good skin. For five years, I fought relentlessly to feel normal. For five years, I longed to feel comfortable in my own skin. 

But, also? Over the course of five years, I found freedom. Freedom within. Freedom found through a relationship with God. 

Today, I embrace my journey and the woman I’ve become. I have learned that true beauty and worth are found within — and I hope that my story inspires you to find inner strength and beauty, no matter the challenges you face.