If I had to describe the internal dialogue of my younger self in one word, it would be inadequate.
Something as casual as checking my Facebook profile could send my self-confidence spiraling as thoughts like daggers popped into my mind that I was not pretty enough, cheeky enough, sexy enough, sophisticated enough, or as you-fill-in-the-blank-here enough as the next woman. Posting a recap of the weekend could turn into an hours-long ordeal marked by angst and insecurity.
I remember sitting in a round table classroom at the top business school (shoutout to UPenn; if you know, you know) surrounded by peers who had already mastered the basics of Economics and Accounting as freshmen. As new concepts washed over me like a foreign language, for the first time in my life I called my natural intelligence into question. Would my smarts be enough for this new space?
When I entered the entertainment businesses and began screenwriting, I was convinced my words were not good enough. I procrastinated and delayed finishing and sending my early scripts for feedback and other opportunities because in my eyes, my work was not as worthy as others.
After experiencing a heartbreak that shook me to my core, a new layer called loss was added on to my existing insecurities. I used work as a bandage, focused on my job, ministry, and helping anyone who needed it to cover up my wounds.
For a while, the working, well, worked. Serving gave me friends—or at least assured me that I belonged somewhere because I was needed.
There was some gold in that season—I forged life-long friendships, learned about myself, and developed a character, work ethic, and mindset that has made me a better human being.
Despite the accolades, compliments, and recognition I received from others, in the quiet moments I could not escape how I felt about myself. Nothing I did was satisfying, and even if it was, there was always more to be done.
Until finally, one day I said, “Enough is enough.”
Overthinking and negative self-talk robbed me of opportunities again and again in business and in romance. My health was in and out of burnout. I chose to honestly evaluate the woman in the mirror. And I asked her to change her ways, Er, I mean, I asked her What was driving her to work so hard?
I was done allowing the fruits of my labors to slip through my fingers because of low self-esteem and personal neglect. Unaccustomed to existing and not thriving in situations, somewhere deep down I knew I could do better.
I asked myself, what was the root of the insecurity that made me feel like I never had, did, or was enough, even during times of prosperity and celebration?
I am a work in progress, but like a diamond mined from the core of the earth, I have extracted a few truths.
1 ) The question is not, I am enough? but Is God sufficient to bridge the gaps left by my inadequacies?
2 ) I have to break-up with self-obsession in all forms (hatred, rejection, awareness, and selfishness). Self-obsession is like an old lover who’s become too comfortable, will not take a hint, and refuses to give back their keys. Consistent reinforcement with words and actions is required to keep it at bay.
3 ) I want contentment, gratitude, and love to fuel my ambition and goal-getting.
These days, that nagging voice is quieter, and I’ve come to realize it even speaks the truth at times (a broken clock is right twice a day, right?). He is better, she is prettier, they may be happier.
But my progress is not graded on a curve. Today I define winning by doing my best in my own lane. My greatest and only competition is with myself.
I am learning to accept that when I do all I can—when I make efforts to grow, learn, create, and prepare—that is enough.
I strive not to force myself to slave long days and even longer hours to prove my worth. Giving my personal best is success. Simply put, it’s enough.
How have you found enough in your life?
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