Will & Jada P. Smith, Beyonce & Jay Z, Tennessee politician Andrew & his wife R. Jai Gillum, gospel artists Teddy & Tina Campbell, (Tina Campbell of the famous gospel duo Mary Mary), Pastor John & Aventer Gray… and the list goes on and on. These are all couples who decided to stay married after a spouse cheated.
But, why?
Why would a person risk the humiliation and embarrassment of staying with someone who has broken marital code, and in some cases, has done it repeatedly? Let’s pull the lid off this subject. It’s high time to analyze infidelity from the perspective of someone who stayed because they genuinely loved the other person. I stayed. But I’ll get back to that later. For now, brace yourself and prepare for a sobering and unlikely evaluation of marriage in today’s society.
Don’t get it twisted. The opinions expressed here do not in any way condone physical and/or emotional abuse in relationships. If you’re involved with someone who believes in hitting or dehumanizing you, get out of that as fast as you POSSIBLY can. Abuse is not what this is about. This is an attempt to analyze why some people may have decided to remain married after experiencing the bitterness of infidelity.
I’ve heard it said that there is something wrong with everyone. None of us is perfect. Each one of us has some trauma in life that we haven’t yet dealt with. Within this context, getting married to the great love of your life cannot fix years of traumatic experiences, especially not overnight. Some pain we’ve undergone can take years to unpack. Good therapy may help us deal with our problems, but, as with all good things, healing takes time. And all the while, we may very well continue dealing with these issues years after having already committed to a loving spouse.
Today the divorce rate is higher than it’s ever been. Becoming a statistic by leaving a cheating spouse is easy to do. Trying to stay and make it work after infidelity is hard. Although the marriage may have been damaged, if both people want it and can commit to making the necessary changes, (as has been proven by the aforementioned celebrity couples), the marriage can work.
We’ve heard marriage isn’t for the faint-hearted. What does that mean, exactly? It doesn’t just mean possessing staying power during nagging disagreements or financial difficulties. It can refer to those unspeakable moments where great courage is required to make it work, possibly due to the result of infidelity, or something worse like the endurance of an unexpected long-term and life-threatening illness.
The truth is that when the love is real, it will be challenged, and sometimes in unimaginable ways. Anyone who has been married 20, 30, 40, or more years has faced life-altering marital issues. No one makes it to decades of marriage without having a few curve balls thrown into the relationship.
Moreover, I have discovered something powerfully rewarding about remaining in a loving marriage through difficult times. Surprisingly, each long-term married couple I’ve met has confessed to experiencing a pristine resiliency on the other side of their challenges. I have heard on several occasions that the frustrations and the heartache were all worth it in the end, and, if given the chance to go through it all again, they absolutely would. It is a great mystery and a tell-tale sign that love is real and there is possibly some greater meaning to the madness.
Listen, I won’t lie. It’s hard to stay married these days, especially in today’s vulture culture. However, now that social media is commonplace and often the culprit of many infidelities, it’s good for couples to open up and discuss their decisions to stay. Newer generations are obtaining roadmaps to life from the Internet. They need to witness real love that matters. Solid marriages based on good foundations can still work, even after the threat of major mistakes. Let’s judge each other less and become more supportive of marriages that have gone through hell and survived anyway.
Now about me… I chose to stay after my husband cheated. Unfortunately, we divorced after 20 years together. The marriage didn’t survive. However, he’s better after all we went through, and so am I. I am happy he is remarried and is trying hard to make that relationship work. Am I upset that our marriage didn’t work after all those years of trying? Not anymore. I’ve grown immensely after that experience. There’s no looking backward. There is also no rush for me to find someone else right away. I like being in my own company and am very content with my life. I spent eighteen years being someone’s wife. Now, I get to enjoy myself, by myself, and there’s a real gift in that. I’m confident that one day I’ll meet someone special. In the meantime, I’ll continue my healing process and enjoy life’s adventures by doing the things I’ve always wanted to do, my way.
Do you have a story about staying?
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I was married to a serial cheater, but I stayed for the children. When my son turned seventeen a senior in high school, we sit in my car in the driveway and I told him his dad and I were getting a divorce. He wept. He is the youngest of my three children. My girls had already left the nest. I stayed nine years after his child by one of his mistresses showed up on my door step sent by her. I think my kids knew what was going on, his staying out all night, not spending the whole day with them on holidays always finding an excuse to leave, never wanting to go to church with them even after they begged, even when he went, I think they knew he really didn’t want to be there. He was a good father when he was there. Children are smart , even though I tried to hide my sobs in my pillow at night and the times I cried out to God, I know they heard me. They never said anything. Today he is married to the mistress he had the child with, unhappily. I have forgiven them both, I’m retired and I am a volunteer for several non profits. I have not remarried. Just enjoying me right now. at seventy five. So thank you for sharing your story. It resonated with me.
Hi Linda,
Hate to admit that I can relate to your story because I can. So many wet pillowcases I have lost count! My father has several children by different women and as a child, I swore I would never be with a man like that. Huh, the joke is on me! Not only did I attract a man just like my father, but he is worse because he is a delusional narcissist! The things I have allowed him to do and say to me all for the sake of love, the children, and FEAR!! My prayer is that GOD will send you a man designed specifically for you as I see no reason why you should do this thing called life alone. As for me, I am working on my great escape!
Hello Linda,
Thank you for sharing your story as well.
Miracles are found when we enjoy and discover ourselves. May peace and good love surround you, always, and may your journey include wisdom and grace. -Tawanna M.
I stayed early in the marriage with two small children, love in my heart, and confident God would heal me. Eighteen years later infidelity was an issue again. There were unresolved root issues.
After 21 years of marriage, I separated and completed homeschooling my youngest child. After 22 years of marriage, I released the marital union and filed for divorce. It was a difficult decision, but it was the best for my family based on the circumstances.
My adult children have restored relationships with their father. He has remarried. I have no regrets. God has been good to me and my family. I have no ill feelings towards my former spouse. I am grateful for the time we shared.
Hi Francine,
I am so happy to hear that you and your children are thriving. I am striving to get to that place real soon. May God continue to restore and keep you and yours.
Hi Francine,
Thank you for sharing. I’m happy you made the tough decision that was right for you. There is goodness in that. May your light continue to shine bright. -Tawanna M.
Boy, do I have a story about staying! I chose to stay in my marriage after my husband cheated and fathered a child with his mistress. The worst of all betrayals if you ask me or anyone! Initially, it was an experience that changed me into someone I didn’t like. As I write this, the pain of those feelings and emotions can still be very raw as my spouse never did the work to change. A friend recently told me that a man will only change for a woman they truly love, respect, and value. For years, I accepted so little from my spouse as the infidelity, gaslighting, and disrespect just beat me down. I was in a deep depression and at the same time, I was raising small children. Ugh! I was in a deep, dark, and lonely hole I never thought I’d climb out of. Fast forward to now, I am still in my marriage of convenience, as that’s what it is, BUT I am NOT the same person I was nor will I ever be. I am rebuilding my life back, finding my autonomy, and truly loving on ME!! My advice for ALL women who have been cheated on: You cannot change what you do not acknowledge! Never stay after infidelity if the person does not DO THE WORK! Trust me, I learned the hard way.
Hi Niecy,
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Your confidence has changed you for the better. You are resilient. Your challenges have made you strong. Self-love is key in any relationship. I wish you great joy and prosperity. -Tawanna M.
I too have suffered in my marriage. I felt it necessary to leave. The emotional neglect, financial abuse, on top of lack of intimacy and fidelity was too much. I truly feel we need to redefine marriage in this day and age. Gender roles are blurred, women’s’ sexuality is awakened, and mental health is required of all of us.
With that being said. What exactly is required to have a successful marriage? All types of abuse is happening on both sides. Women baiting men with verbal abuse, and withholding sex. Men becoming cold, distant, with roving eyes, and erectile dysfunction. We are in for one hell of a fight!
Let us get together and create a new view of marriage. We need new, healthy, up to date, realistic types of coexisting. What would you require of the new standards of marriage?
Hello Deanne,
I agree with you 100%.
After my experiences, my only suggested standard for marriage in today’s society is that each individual take the time to discover and fully learn themselves before entering into a marriage. Sharing life with a loving person can become immensely rewarding. It can also become terribly daunting if the union comes before having acquired true self-knowledge, healing, and self-acceptance.
Shakespeare coined the wise phrase in Hamlet, “to thine own self be true.” This is a powerful message. Something magical happens in our loving relationships when we constantly present our most confident selves.
I wish you well in your life, and always remember to first be true to you.
My husband and I just celebrated our 50th anniversary. After 16 yrs my husband voluntarily confessed to having a 18 month affair. I didn’t have a clue although in hindsight the clues were there. My feelings of rage were only superseded by my determination to not devastate our 13 & 10 yr old children as they too would have been blindsided. My husband and I both committed to see if marriage counseling could help pull us through. During my healing I gradually allowed my love for my husband break through the rage and pain I felt as a consequence of his affair. I must confess(however, not to him) that I still harbor pain, but I’ve worked to not let my pain overshadow the fact that I have a husband who loves me as much as I love him.
Hello Glynis,
Thank you for sharing your story. My heart is warm.
If I may, I’ve learned an effective way to assuage the pain. A good mentor taught me something you may find interesting. She reminded me that none of us can escape pain in this life. It acts as an antagonist to the protagonist, love. There is in fact a yin and yang concept to it. One actually needs the other. She said pain comes but shouldn’t be nursed when it does. Allow it to teach the lesson, and then let it flow through you. Once gone, it leaves a richness and a maturity that would not have otherwise been experienced.
This idea has somehow greatly helped my understanding after an unbearable heartbreak. It has completely closed the wound.
May you always remember to enjoy every unique sunrise and sunset of each day. Blessings to you and yours. -Tawanna M.
Marriage is so hard. I think marriage licenses should expire after a certain timeframe and both spouses should evaluate if they want to continue. Renew, or divide assets and move on. I chose to stay but mentally I left a long time ago.
Hi Jean,
What an interesting notion. Something like this could work in today’s marriage culture.
Be encouraged. You may not notice it in your day-to-day, but you are actively involved in a self-evolution. You are vastly ahead of the curve.
I wish you love, light, and positive solutions. -Tawanna M.
I’m not staying, he broke the covenant of marriage a peace of mind is priceless.